I. AM. ENOUGH.

“Neither shall they say, lo here!, or, lo there!, for behold, the kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” Albert Camus

This is a common saying these days and I’ve seen people get very “done” with this concept, thinking it’s stupid or doesn’t make sense, that it’s somehow an excuse from the hard work of life and personal growth. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This is my experience.

When I set out to rewire my brain I had a whole slew of debilitating physical, emotional, and mental health issues that no number or amount of supplements, doctors, therapists, or healing diet plans had been able to provide any lasting relief from for 7 years. I had a user’s manual to the brain, an understanding that all of this began in my brain and if I could replace those trauma loops with healthy emotions, thoughts and behaviors, I would heal.

So I began.

4 months of bliss later I had learned more about life, reality, and God in an experiential way than my entire life preceding that. And, I was about 75% healed of my ailments (while being much, much more active and eating things I hadn’t eaten in years).

On a human level, I did this alone. There was no one guiding me but my higher self, who was in tune with God at all times. I had no friends, was not in touch with anyone else doing DNRS (except 2 coaching sessions), and my husband was one of my triggers at the time. I went to Mass every week but even my faith was a trigger (I trusted God to understand and accept my sacrifice of joy while I changed my brain’s associations with it). My best friends in the physical world were the trees outside my window and along my walking route, the glorious sky, and sunlight. 

Yet, I NEVER felt alone. Ever. The glory of God’s creation was with me always, His beauty  and love filling every cell of being with absolute bliss, complete vulnerability and known-ness, my mind was quiet (because I had chosen not to think at all for that 4 months, a feat I still can’t quite comprehend looking back), and I knew that no matter what came my way, I could handle it. I had conquered fear, and I was my own safe place. I felt no need to share this with anyone at the time because I felt so utterly complete it seemed unnecessary, and besides, who on earth would believe me?

And then it started over. My brain stopped making any of the neurotransmitters that had allowed me to feel so much positive emotion and responded with panic to my attempts to invoke joy.

This is the time the journey was much slower as my brain slid to a very primal place over the next 5 months of not being able to access those neurotransmitters, and when it regained that ability, the process was very choppy and nothing remotely like those first months of bliss. But I KNEW I could do I again, I believed blindly. It took almost the entirety of 2018 to regain reliable access to the prefrontal cortex where all higher thinking and brain function occurs. 

In October 2018 I came once again to tears of home coming and joy, knowing that I had persevered through the darkness on blind faith and risen victorious, finally able to make sense of life again. This time through the process, my husband and children were all triggers to my poor befuddled brain,  and while I did have the support of others going through the program with me this time, I still did the work. I chose the faith, the hope, to believe in myself, in DNRS, and in God, despite not being able to access any of that emotionally for most of the year. 

Through all of this I learned, am learning still, that I am enough. Within me there is everything I need to find joy, to find truth, to go home. I learned that God is ALWAYS ready to help me, to provide His life blood of joy, peace, and abundance whenever I make the choice to reach, to open my heart, to hold onto true desire for him, for LIFE! 

Now? When I hunger for love, when I find myself seeking validation or connection outside of myself, I turn the gaze inward. I choose self love, opening my heart to the beauty already available around me – take a walk, even if it’s midnight, turn on my favorite songs and let the violin, the piano, guitar, or voices of my favorite music artists sing to my soul.  And once again I become like a child in my Father’s arms, soothed, loved, at rest. 

Or I practice the DNRS exercises, reliving memories close to my heart – when I was 7, or 15, or maybe just the sweet hugs my children gave me yesterday, and dream of the good things my future holds – homeschooling my children, getting to be with friends near and dear to my heart (even the ones I haven’t met yet, or haven’t seen in 10 years), a special date with my husband. And I find that within myself, I am never alone. 

Through God’s gift of neuroplasticity and DNRS, I know, with absolute certainty – I. Am. Enough.

P.S. I learned from a wise and beloved friend who has successfully rewired her brain, to sing love songs to myself, preferably in the mirror. This is one of my favorites.

I’m never gonna let you down

I’m always gonna build you up

And when you’re feeling lost

I will always find you love

I’m never gonna walk away

I’m always gonna have your back

And if nothing else you can always count on that

When you need me

I promise I will never let you down

-Collie Caillet