And just like that, it was gone. Every bit of trust there had been in my marriage, vanished in an instant. In that moment, the relationship built on sand imploded, scattering it’s dust into the atmosphere, never to be seen again. Thank God.
A severe mercy. This is a phrase that pops up in my life frequently and it couldn’t be more accurate. The lies, the falsities, ALL the things built on sand HAVE to go in order for something real and glorious to be revealed. It doesn’t matter how, it doesn’t matter when, but they have GOT to go. A severe mercy.
This was the beginning of the end of my own life built on sand too – it had been so tied up in the relationship that my interior world began to crumble – PTSD, insomnia, twin pregnancy, all at once. The oldest of the other 3 kids was barely 5. A severe mercy – if the innermost lies my life had been erroneously built upon were never exposed I would never have found DNRS, I would never have found the truth or the glorious life that is at this very moment unfolding before me. MERCY. Thank you, Jesus, from the depths of my soul for your mercy.
Months turned into years. Twins were born, sleepless months ensued, and the distance between my spouse and I only widened. I ended up unable to care for my children and again, by God’s grace (a whole other post about that) I found DNRS. My marvelous husband was still an enormous trigger for my brain and I barely looked at him for the first 5 months of my journey.
Fast forward to a year later. From the outside, I appeared to be a terrible wife and mother, horribly inconsistent and seemingly inattentive to my children and husband (while on the inside giving 100% effort to keep my brain moving in a straight line forward instead in a downward spiral). Any remaining trust or immediate hope my husband had for us died. When this became clear to me, I let the relationship go – God, this is in your hands. You can change me, he’s in your hands.
Miraculously through a serious of strange and yucky looking events, 3 weeks later, my husband made a genuine attempt to understand what was going on inside of me. For the first time in my whole journey of recovery (19 months). I was flabbergasted and delighted and utterly surprised.
Things were more peaceful after that but he still eyed me with suspicion and distrust.
During this time something amazing happened inside of me. I realized what an amazing thing marriage is. I knew we were both committed to be faithful to this marriage till death do us part, no matter what, and I began to see what a strong, faithful, consistent, responsible, and loving father and husband my spouse was. I saw the solid foundation my life was built on – beautiful home in a welcoming and friendly neighborhood, 5 gorgeous kids, the ability to stay home and homeschool, no need to ever worry about dating ever (which sounded like heaven when I hear some of the stories of what that’s like these days), the support of my parents, time and space to rewire my brain, delicious food whenever I wanted…and this solid foundation here to stay. I began to think, even if we never had anything more than our current relationship, what a beautiful thing! What a gift! God is brilliant! Marriage is amazing!
And then something even more amazing happened. Through some miracle, about a month after I began feeling this way, my husband decided to trust me again. He became affectionate. My mind was completely blown. He became kind and gentle toward me in speech, considerate toward me in thought, and my gratitude flourished. Never again will I take a single kind word or action for granted again. Every moment of this relationship that is growing on the rock of trust and unconditional love is absolutely priceless.
The best part? THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING! Who knows what amazing things will come next? I don’t, but I’m sure God has got some lovely gifts and surprises up His sleeves for us. The light of Easter is dawning within our marriage, hope is restored, and God’s glory is peaking through our cracks.
The Eye of the Needle 