I was 15. I’d been in love with him for a solid year, at least. I believed on a deep level that this was it, this was the One I would spend the rest of my life with. I just couldn’t imagine anything else.
One night our family was praying the rosary the same way we did every night and on this particular night I had a sort of vision, a lucid dream if you like. A young man came and proposed to me, and the way we just know in dreams, I just knew it was Him. Jesus. I spent the rest of the evening in an interior shock and joy after giving my vibrant YES! At the same time a question bubbled up in the back of mind, what does this even mean? What do I do now?
My first thought was to ask my best friend at the time if I could talk to her mom. This woman is one of the wisest I’ve ever met, certainly the most confident, and showing me both through her own family and home the meaning of hospitality and the kind of family life I dreamed to be a part of. She was a) not someone you want to mess with and b) the kind of person you talk to when you have a perplexing situation. Seeing as I was in situation b I came over to chat one evening.
I poured my heart out about this particular occurrence and was met with the perfect response. Respect, silence, and a couple questions. She held space for my own questions, showing me, without words, that sometimes in life we aren’t supposed to know, just trust and keep living. To this day I’m amazed at how much more is communicated by who someone is than by what they say.
Life went on, of course, and a year and half later, the summer before college, that absolute certainty I had about my vocation (religious, of course) started to seem more like an option. I had a very, very personal relationship with Jesus this whole time – Eucharist adoration was something I craved and did often, daily mass was a given, and the line of communication between us was perfectly clear. It was one of the most joyful periods of my life. But now, He seemed to be insinuating that I had a choice – AHHHH! Why would you do this to me? I don’t want a choice, I want everything to be laid out so I don’t have to think for myself or take responsibility for my life choices!
Ha. That is NOT what God is here for.
I met my husband about month after beginning school, and as my oldest brother so adeptly noticed at the time, “Is he helping you discern you vocation?” Yep. You got it.
Fast forward about 8 years and we were in the middle of our perfect storm. I couldn’t bear to see those rings on my finger anymore, so I took them off for a couple days. One day, I looked up at the crucifix on the wall of our master bath (every room had one, not hard when the house has 9 rooms total), and remembered. Oh Jesus, You’re still here. I made a vow to YOU first. You have done nothing but love me in perfect faithfulness my entire life. I’m doing this for you. And slipped the rings back onto my finger.
And during the hardest times of my life and recovery, when leaving life seemed easier than living it, I hear the words of Toula’s mother, in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, as she’s cups Toula’s face in her hands, “ I gave you life so that you could live it.” Get up, Christina. Get up. Pick your heart up off the floor and remember the glorious romance that has carried you this far.
So while I had no idea what it meant at the time, that strange vision I had at 15 (and the reason for my username – my life for Christ, 15) has carried me in mysterious and unseen ways through every point in my life where I might have given up. I firmly believe that God’s grace is always present, always available, although it never looks the same, and we always have a choice. Do we pick up the grace already given? Each one of us is truly like Frodo, in one of his darkest moments when he finds himself in front of Galadriel, who with a gracious smile, and gently, says, “If you do not find a way, no one can.” But this is actually good news. You are the way. Your limitless human spirit, combined with the boundless grace of God, can build a road to any worthy end. Yes, YOU, can. Take my hand.
The Eye of the Needle 