After my brain flatlined production of DOSE neurotransmitters, one of the effects that it had (which is such a testimony to the mind-spirit-body connection), as I could no longer hold the goodness of life within my spirit, mind, and heart during this time, is that my body could no longer hold the nourishment I was giving it. I began losing weight. It was fall 2017.
I wasn’t overweight by any means when this started, but I also wasn’t rail thin. At first it was sort of inconsequential as I was so concerned with trying to regain brain function. But as time went on, the meat of who I was just continued to shrink, both mentally and physically. I was hungry and ate a lot, often, yet my body just couldn’t process and hold onto what I was giving it. I also lost some of the foods I had regained during the beginning of my recovery.
By January 2018, this is what I looked like. I was a solid 30 lbs below my average weight over the past 6 years. Strange things began to happen in this psyche that had been trained to see thin as better – no matter what. I began to look around and see women who had the curves I used to have and to wish, that by some miracle, I could have mine back. I looked back on my past body with an entirely new appreciation for the ability to gain and hold weight, to have *gasp* thick thighs, and HIPS. To eat food and have solid evidence. To have normal hormonal function. So many things that are the object of complaint and disdain in modern culture; we truly don’t know what we have until we’ve lost it.
Slowly, very slowly, as DOSE came back online and my brain could hold more joy, more life, and I began to find hope once again, to find pockets of peace and ease and rest once again, my body also regained its ability to hold onto what I fed it. I re-retrained with old foods and added my favorite food of all – peanuts.
Comical side story here – whenever the brain is neuroplastic we have the ability to have heightened emotional experiences, and it makes it easier to change associated pathways when we trigger the maladaptive pathways before redirecting them. When I first started training with peanuts, with a mere 5 peanuts as my trigger before practice, several days in a row, it was clearly WAY to much for my system. But the practice rounds I had after those peanuts were so euphoric! It was amazing and hilarious to me all at the same time that eating 5 peanuts could cause me to have such mind blowing visualizations. I waited about a month, and in the miraculous and mysterious fashion of neuroplasticity and limbic impairment recovery, I went from 5 peanuts to spoonfuls of peanut butter within weeks with flying colors. My body squealed with delight at all of this amazing fat and calories it was receiving and I rejoiced to have regained my absolute favorite food after 5 years of pretending that almond butter could somehow compare.
Slowly, the weight came back. I ate SO MUCH during this time, my body was just begging to be satisfied 100% of the time now that satisfaction was a viable option. Never in my life have I so deeply enjoyed the feeling of being full. Gone was the guilt and shame I had for so long associated with this feeling. Pleasure from food became my dear, dear friend for the first time ever. I attribute some of this as well to the fascinating power of mirror neurons- the phenomenon that as we watch or listen to someone having an experience, the same neurons fire in our brain and we have a similar experience, quite without realizing it sometimes, and even if the experience is one we have never had ourselves. One of my practice buddies during this time had a deeply pleasurable and healthy relationship with the enjoyment of eating, and I unwittingly gained this ability to appreciate food in a whole new way, just from practicing with her as she relived memories of relishing simple experiences of eating. Mirror neurons are, in all seriousness, one of the most veiled and dynamic forces behind human history.
As my weight crept back I celebrated every bit of it – look, I have LEGS again! I can grab the fat on my stomach- there’s something THERE!!! Every ounce was a testimony to the hard work of rebuilding the temple of my soul and heart, physical evidence of intense focus, diligence, and perseverance (sound familiar? The same could be said for utilizing a weight LOSS program). I was damn proud of it too.
My defining moment of shift came when I went clothes shopping for some clothing that reflected the shift of a fuller, spunkier, sassier interior life. I pulled on a form fitting, off the shoulder, barely mid thigh length red dress and stood back to evaluate. I watched as the old Christina’s opinion of my (now size 8, not 2 and half) figure floated away, never to be seen again. When I looked in that dressing room mirror (which before DNRS would at times cause intense distress, tears and self loathing that lasted for days), I saw confidence. Power. Sexiness. Poise. Evidenced in the very fat that had once been my mortal enemy. The new, effortless self talk was now “I worked HARD for BOTH of those thighs, that hint of a muffin top, and that rounded backside.” Those are my GOODS, baby! I realized too that a perfectly figured, size 2, well endowed woman who still had our world’s view of the female body branded into her heart could easily look in that same mirror, objectively looking far better than I in that dress, and only see flaws. I am free, I thought. Now I care more for the actual, functional wellbeing of my body, and the interior attitudes of confidence, poise, and sense of my own feminine power, than for the exact size of my pants, number on the scale, or my sex appeal or the opinion of my friends. I am beginning to see myself through God’s eyes.
This is still a journey, as it will be for my whole life. As I’ve learned from my dear friends at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, this relationship with food and body is our longest one, one we have for the duration of our existence here on earth. But now I have the tools to approach it from a place of true love and care for my health and well-being on all levels, a love that begets discipline and good decisions – whether that look like getting enough sleep, working on my alignment, doing my DNRS practice, walking 25-30 miles per week, indulging in a green smoothie or indulging a large slice of gluten and sugar filled birthday cake. If it’s a decision made from love, it’s a good decision.
The Eye of the Needle 