Excerpts

From letters to a friend.

And this is my prayer for you: that you lean into the burn, and let yourself be consumed. That peace surprises you like the first crack on a robin’s egg. That you face your own dark forest and enter without hesitation, knowing the light and strength you carry is enough for anything you will encounter. That you experience His love for you in the way the light falls on your plate at breakfast; the thrill of adventure in the sound of the train that pulls in to take you into the wilderness of the unknown. That you learn to obey the arrow of pain. Most of all, that you sleep in peace, knowing the all encompassing care of your Father.

I am alone now. The days, they pour forth in glory from stardust to starlight and faith in God is the only thing that sustains me. I’m ready. 

I made a choice, this evening. I decided that my desires, they will become reality. I decided, I will give this life all that I am – I will love as fiercely as a I desire, I will laugh as loud as I want, and dance and daydream to my heart’s content. I will demand both nothing and everything from life. I will expect miracles every. Damn. Day. I will exercise every ounce of power I have over myself to allow myself to be the hurricane that I know myself to be. I will be the Phoenix and build my own funeral pyre, burn everything for the sake of what can be. Truly, my friend, we walk by faith and not by sight, so all we ever can be is ready.

I found heaven in the unlikeliest of places this evening. My miracle for the day, if you will. It happened during one of these “conversations” I occasionally have with the man I married, the kind that would take about 60-120 seconds if we spoke the same language, but as it is, take about about 60-80 minutes. In the past these things would plunge me into a deep darkness. But tonight, as I stayed connected to my heart, I looked up at one point and saw the way the light was coming in from the hall – burning the doorframe, it seemed, and pouring into the room like a lost beam of heaven’s radiance. It happened twice. The only thing I know is this – heaven is always trying to break down our doors. Let’s let it in.

We’ve touched a bit on how much heaven we can experience here on earth, and it seems we see that differently, which I deeply appreciate. I see this – that each moment of pain and each moment of bliss, the struggle and the longing and the rest – all of it – is simply making us capable of heaven. Building the mansions of our hearts to be the right size and shape and strength and porousness to hold all that our Lover wants to pour into us. I think, when we genuinely desire heaven with every bit of our heart and soul, God will make sure that not one iota of His love is lost on us. He wants us to receive as perfectly as He gives. And this is why we give thanks in all things, this is why in the moments of tears and pain and wretched emptiness, I say “Thank you Father, for this pain.” Blessed be this emptiness, blessed be this burning ache – burn away our overgrown forests and make room for Your new growth, for Your kingdom to take up residence within us. Let it be done to me according to your word.

This is where heaven begins.