What I have and am learning through my journey of recovery from chronic illness, into wholeness and authenticity.
Author: mlfc15
Mother of 5, daughter of God. I love music, dancing, improv, laughing, living, wilderness, and people in general. Soft things and sleep are pretty magical.
Just a few years ago, because of my own issues coupled with events that occurred in my marriage, I came to the somewhat common feminist conclusion that men were all pigs and monsters. As I worked to heal my own heart, and to make the world a safe place for myself again, I set out find what it was I did like about men. I did not expect to find the depth of appreciation, respect, and admiration for this half of the race that I have since found.
As I healed myself, I stopped looking to men for validation of my worth, and from this place of security in my own power and worthiness, I was able to see men as just human beings. Unique ones, very different from women, and whose actions were simply a result of their make up, formation (received or not received), culture, and personal choices. When those actions no longer affected me emotionally I was able to take a different perspective. I tried to understand the origin of these actions, and to intentionally look for the heart and gifts unique to men, through and past the ways those gifts had been thwarted or abused.
The first thing I fell I love with is how men make make me laugh. So many men I know can literally make me roll on the floor laughing with a one liner out of nowhere. The first place I really encountered this is my older brothers – what a gift it was to grow up in house with a brother who basically was a part time joke (in the best possible way)! This willingness to be honest and open about life (instead of trying to make everything look tidy and hidden the way women do), to be absolutely outrageous for the sake of comedy, and to find humor in things many people are too timid to talk about, both helped heal me (laughter really is medicine) and gained me an incredible respect and appreciation for the quick wits and physical comedy I have witnessed so frequently from them. I have to say, watching a man pretend to be a woman for the sake of comedy is one of funniest things I have ever witnessed and it most definitely does NOT work the other way around! Humor is so basic to who we are as humans, and it seems that about 85% of laughter generators in history and in my life are men (even my sons make me laugh more often than my daughters).
On a deeper level, there is a power and magnificence to the masculine energy that affects me a way that is so far beyond words. I learned this first when carrying my son. His pregnancy was an immense opportunity for healing for me on so many levels. When I contemplated during his pregnancy that one of these huge, inimitable, powerful human beings was growing in my belly, I felt humbled and awed. During my daughter’s pregnancies I had felt a sense of connection and profound love, but during my son’s pregnancies I felt that I was a temple, holding a human with an otherness and power that was foreign to me, who would one day tower over me with that unique vitality and boundless energy, and go off to create his own family. After my first son was born I spent hours just contemplating this infant incarnation of man, marveling at what Mary must have felt to hold baby Jesus, and to be protected by a man as mighty as Joseph.
My firstborn son the night he was born, not long after being caught by his Daddy.
As I walked my own healing journey I have gained an even deeper appreciation of the masculine power and energy. My codependent marriage relationship fell apart and my husband and I had the opportunity to become separate individuals. With my husband no longer my emotional crutch I stepped back, and, over the years, began to see a man so strong, so resilient, so creative, so self sacrificing, but also with this enigmatic vulnerability as well. I became overwhelmed with gratitude for the very man I had been unable to look in the eye for years.
Around this time I developed a sexual drive for the first time in my life and came to appreciate the masculine sexuality and vulnerability for the first time ever. Instead of resenting or fearing male sexuality (as I had for my entire life previously), I started to look for ways I could serve and build up my husband in this way. It also dawned on me that I could use my feminine power to draw out the greatness I so longed to see in the men I interact with regularly. I began to appreciate the beauty in the way that men are often seen as so strong, gruff, and impenetrable, and yet feminine beauty can emotionally open a man and fill his innermost needs in such a simple and deep way – or leave him feeling devastated and abandoned if intentionally withheld. Really seeing this in a deep way increased this sense of respect and reverence I have for men. I developed a strong desire to treat the men in my life with both respect and tenderness, and to allow space for their masculinity to breathe.
This brings me to the place of appreciation for the work men do. I still remember sitting with my mouth gaping the first time my husband told me he was so absorbed in studying and going to class that he had forgotten to eat for most of the day. That has literally never occurred in my life. This ability to focus on one thing alone for hours, days, weeks, months, without interruption, until it is complete, boggled my mind (still does!). As does the fact that 99% of the structures (and many, many other things) in the world are the direct result of the labor and sweat of men. The innate masculine drive to provide and protect and create things with purpose and permanence inspires me. Their capacity to compartmentalize everything else in order to do this, to endure all kinds of physical lack and suffering, just to ensure that a job gets done is astounding. Thank you, men, for being builders, creators, inventors, and workers.
In the world of art and creativity, writing, music, painting, and film, we owe (and I personally) so much of who I am to the men who devote their life’s work to these things. C.S. Lewis’s books (of which I have read almost all of multiple times), St. John Paul II, countless music artists (I am a major music junkie), other authors, actors, comedians, film producers’ works have impacted me (and the entire world) on a soul level. I remember laughing my guts out to Screwtape Letters when I was 15, and spending hours lost in bliss listening to Switchfoot, U2, early Coldplay and countless others, or sitting in my oh so tolerant older brother’s room while he played guitar. From the depths of my being, thank you.
In closing, I have a request, almost a plea. Men, know that you are needed and wanted in this world. As a woman, I feel such joy and sense of security when I see men in their power – any man! That majestic, breathtaking silence and power, your unique vulnerability is so NECESSARY in our world. In a world where there is so much evil, we NEED the power, the voice, the action of men with chests (read the Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis if you don’t get the reference). Womenneed you. The world needs you. We want you. As you are. Within each human person is a potential to be a Nelson Mandela, a Martin Luther King, a hero. Honoring that truth is the beginning of allowing the space to it grow, to develop, to allow yourself to be taken over by greatness. Most of our flaws and insecurities as humans are simply a lack a knowing who we truly are. Once you know with absolute certainty that you possess a unique and unparalleled greatness, you can drop all the crutches and props of lust, arrogance, laziness, and smallness, and step into your true power. It becomes effortless, and the most fulfilling and pleasurable experience you can have.
I also have something to say, as a woman, and I really believe that most women have this desire somewhere underneath their own insecurities and fears. Dear men, we women long to be ravaged, melted, and utterly taken by your desire and power, when it is melded with gentleness and love. The kind that makes us weak all over, and unable to move for hours. On a soul level, a physical level, a spiritual level, and intellectual level this, this is what we desire from you.
In closing, I offer my gratitude, my respect, admiration, appreciation, desire and vulnerability as an invitation. Come out of hiding, and show the world your glory.
It’s a very common thing in our world to ask the opinion or experiences of others for every new situation we encounter, as well as for common issues we have. I think it is a very wise thing to draw on the wisdom of community when needed, however I believe there are also many times where only we can know what we need and all outside information and input is dust compared to your own inner knowing.
One thing I have learned in the process of brain rewiring, since it involves changing the your subconscious beliefs and emotional associations to many things, and sometimes, just about everything in your life; you have to work completely in the dark, knowing only that what you are doing is right and very important but having no idea of what’s really happening under the surface or control over how the process plays out exactly. The times I make the most forward progress are precisely when I stop trying to figure anything out, stopping analyzing and asking questions, and just act on my intuition.
In a world of information overload and a “more information and analysis is better” mentality about, just about everything, it seems very counterintuitive (especially in situations where seemingly severe, even life threatening, health, relationship, or financial circumstances are active) to trust in something as intangible as intuition as the main guide to one’s decisions (just to be clear I am speaking about the human intuition inherent to both genders, not “women’s intuition”). However in my experience the intuition seems to be the place where the physical input of our bodies and the embodied wisdom of our souls, and the voice of God Himself somehow converge into one thing. No need for a breakdown of anything. One package deal that requires very little intellectual knowledge, zero ego and analysis, and a Titanic sized boat of faith, trust, and courage.
There’s something beautiful and very empowering about deciding to stop listening not only to the voices and opinions of the world but also to the cover up feelings and excuses in our minds, the things we don’t realize are happening in the background. The voices that innocently suggest that we need more food when, if we listen deeper, the reality is we need more love. To exercise our power more. More sleep. More pleasure from the general experience of life. A fuller expression of sexuality. More discipline born of a selfless self love. More nutritious food. More protein. More fat. More carbs. And the lovely thing about intuition is that, if you listen deeply, you will always hear the correct reason for that particular occasion, and it may well change regularly.
Or perhaps a relationship or life situation where someone is frustrated with you or the situation just isn’t improving. Turn it around and ask “Is this person stressed? Do they have a good reason to be frustrated with me? Am I actually doing everything I need to be doing to improve the situation or am I spending my time looking for solutions to make it easer for myself to be happy when in reality I need to take full responsibility for myself and do the hard things?”
I find for myself many times the answer to the first 2 questions is yes and the second one is no/yes. BIIIGGG bite of humble pie. But after the first sting and sour tang comes the realization that taking care of the actual cause of the problem is the ONLY thing that will resolve it. True peace and the only freedom that exists lie on the other side. The only solution the outer problems in my life is to get myself fully aligned with truth on the inside and the outer problems simple dissolve into nothingness, replaced with peace, ease, and flow, as well a whole lot more maturity for myself. Makes that humble pie look reeeaaalll appetizing 😉.
The catch is, we must learn to rely far more on that still small voice, and condition ourselves to desire be uncomfortable, to make what is outside our comfort zone the most attractive thing, the solution to all our problems. Because it is.
I was taken aback listening to Tony Robbins coach a couple having pretty severe problems and seeing that they had mistaken all these surface level excuses and cover up problems for the real issue. In my own marriage, things aren’t perfect by any means but I have the “comfort” of knowing what the solution is – I need to finish this process of rewiring, I need to grow up. I need to put the the work in to meet my basic need for certainty (which comes from loving myself enough to give myself the certainty that I will be there for me emotionally and physically day in and day out, that I will have the strength and discipline to be reliable for me). Then, my relationship will flourish because it will not be a solution to my lack of self love but an out flowing of love for both my husband and myself, and desire for a mutual enrichment of life and sharing of that love.
But I (and many other people, I’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal) don’t need anyone to tell us that. No need to spend money on conferences, counseling, programs, or therapy. Just the grit to get up and keep going every time I realize that I have fallen short of my true potential, to look at my failure and say 2 things: “I forgive you, and I love you, so what I can learn from this so it doesn’t happen anymore?” And then choose the moment to moment love, discipline, and creativity to forge the path to true maturity.
So when you face challenges, gather all the information you can about what might be a good solution. Then just listen. What first step do you need to take? The answer you hear may seem odd, or be uncomfortable (these are actually pretty likely attributes) – just trust it. Take a step into the dark and the light will find you.
When it comes to your life – you know best. Cultivate a deep understanding of the human person in light of God, listen deeply to the still small voice of God in the depths of your being, and you will surely find the straightest and shortest path to true freedom, not only for yourself but many you encounter through your actions and examples.
I took this picture by complete accident last night after finishing my DNRS practice (I thought I was turning the volume down and the iPad started snapping pictures, lol). I can see my own hope and faith in the darkness here, quite candidly.
When we begin DNRS we are told to create a proclamation- a statement of our new way of being, of showing up in the world. It turns out that health, happiness and fulfillment are simply a way of looking at and experiencing life. Just a different lense.
This morning I felt the need to proclaim my new way of being in a prayer like the Psalms, a statement of what is – in the image of God so too do our words not return to us void. What we state as a reality moves us toward that reality. The Psalms are written in this style of a prayer that is also a proclamation of something that is true.
While my DNRS proclamation is simply a sentence that I state during practice rounds, I created this as something to measure up to, a standard to place myself against and see what area(s) need attention at the moment. Something to ground, anchor, and bring me home when I need to be reminded of what my priorities are. I have a lot of growing to do to fill these shoes so if you know me personally feel free to nudge me if my words, attitude and actions aren’t measuring up. I need all the help I can get 🌞
Jesus, you are my everything and my all.
My confidence and faith are complete and secure.
My trust is that of an infant.
My peace is wide, deep, and dynamic as the oceans you created.
I am calm and focused on all which is true, good, beautiful, worthy, constructive, honorable, and humorous.
My discipline runs deep and drinks from an endless river of love. The focus of my energies and attention are completely devoted to the truth.
I do as I please, knowing that with my heart resting in you, all of my desires are worthy of pursuit.
I hold time as a precious gift, to be used as the limited and sacred thing it is to bring myself and others more of Your life on THIS earth. I know I will have an abundance of Your Life after death but now is the only place I can build my Temple, love my family, and minimize the unnecessary suffering of evil residing in my being.
Loving and building up my family is my first priority, followed closely by sharing in a larger fellowship of community, of uplifting connections.
My own mind is entirely at my disposable, under my reign of authority to be used as I like. I acknowledge that in a very real way, all that happens in my mind and heart is the only reality there is and I wield this power for my own good and that of those surrounding me.
I sleep in peace because you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety, through the gifts of your love, Redemption and free will that I freely chose to use only for good.
My body is full of energy, vitality and intense calm. I fully receive the gift of abundant health as the outflowing of a life lived in Your truth. I embrace the gift of my own spiritual and physical, feminine beauty as a powerful tool to bring You to the world.
I receive and enjoy the gift of a calm, quiet mind, enjoying peace all the days of my life.
I relish in deep, fulfilling relationships with my husband, children and friends, and the ability to serve others deeply and to be served in return.
I revel in the fact that practicing presence and gratitude in the moment is what makes life worth living.
I dance through life with abandon in the knowing that all my knowledge is rubbish before the presence of God. I embrace unknowing and endlessly deepening humility as a way of life.
I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. I will glory in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34: 1-5
My son requested that I put this lipstick on and to take a picture. This is digital evidence of my new way of being – love, abandon, delight in my son.
It was about 3 weeks after I started DNRS. My main form of incremental training (one of the 5 pillars of the program is to do a small amount of an activity or exposure that would normally trigger slight symptoms, followed by the practice to redirect the neural pathways to healthy ones), was taking a walk. Walking, was, shall we say, uncomfortable and extremely anxiety provoking to my brain at the time (this is putting it very mildly). I had been very slowly working on getting my brain to accept a solid mile of walking, utilizing the principle of DNRS that we can focus intensely on something else (positive) in the environment so the brain is occupied and unable to send false messages of illness to the body.
This particular walk started out no different. I did my practice round and headed out for a walk. I got a little farther than I had been going previously and my brain was putting up quite a fuss despite my attempts to stay focused. But this day, I got far enough to see the trees, about a mile away, that surrounded my favorite park and pond, a place I hadn’t been to in months on my own steam and desperately desired to return to. That was it. I made my choice. Without a single thought, with complete faith in the intensity of my desire, I kept straight ahead.
My actual destination.
It felt like trying to hold a wobbly boulder over my head to focus enough on the music in my ears and the splendor of the trees to the point that my brain couldn’t register sensations or anxiety. But by the time I reached the tree that had called my name and hooked me by the soul, I had that boulder freely suspended over me and felt nothing but an intense silence, a radiance that extended in about a half mile radius around me. The focus of my attention was so completely outside my body that I could not just hear but feel the joy of the children playing on the playground across the pond, the birds flying over head, and the radiant life of the earth awakening on a spring day. And that was it. Pure bliss, pure silence. I made it home, utterly mind blown at the bliss that could be found when my focus was so intense in every nanosecond- I never heard that part of this song before! The intricacies, the details, when I forcefully brought ALL of my attention into this moment, on how my heart, soul, and brain felt to be filled with such beauty as I had surely never experienced before in my life. What is this? This superpower?
I remember that evening, just contemplating how I had more that doubled my mileage in one day and yet had a more blissful experience whilst doing so than any walk prior to that. This was the defining moment when I learned, through experience, what I had been told on the DNRS DVDs – limits only exist in the mind. Even when it comes to the body, limits only exist in the mind. And we can choose to override them, to let them go.
Beyond whatever limit you may be facing right, is you. When you reach beyond, under, behind, around, you find there is always something there to catch you, and it’s you. Your own spirit, your own desire to move beyond, is literally the only thing, the one key, that makes doing so possible. To create a wholly different experience of life, and thus – a whole different life. The essence of who YOU are is joy, love, peace, bliss. When you lean upon that, and your desire to move forward, to reach your worthy goal, you can fly.
This experience of intense focus and bliss during my walks soon became my norm. Every leaf, flower, and ray of light in my neighborhood became sacred and precious to me. I could feel the energy of the trees, their beauty, ancientness, the way they pointed to God, not just enduring all weather, but showing a unique radiance in every season, whether winter, showing their strong skeletons of trunk, occasionally dusted in white, the heavenly glory of spring, or the calm soothing abundant green of summer.
I felt at times like I actually lived in Narnia; it no longer seemed fictional. On one particular day awareness dawned that this, this world of magic, glory, and bliss – this is real, this is the only thing that can last for all eternity. Evil and negativity, by their very definition, imply a lack of real ness, a lack of existence (think of the mathematical definition of a negative). But this? This absolute fairy land I am floating through right now? This is always here, just waiting for me to grow the eyes to see it. It was always be here, totally reliable. My fundamental worldview shifted. The world is soft, welcoming, abundant, rejoicing and delighting in its Creator and inviting us to do the same.
I also learned on the deepest level, what it means to let go. I found that I left behind thinking, everything familiar, everything ego related – fear, victimhood, anger, grudges, pride – but ultimately, I gained complete freedom, utter peace, the REAL ME, endless joy and love. A sense of always being satisfied and at peace, free to create, to love, to wonder and marvel to my heart’s content – literally. I looked around wondering why people kept getting upset about everything they couldn’t control, fretting over that which was not in their power. At the same time I recognized that what I had found was possible for any human being, and every person I saw was powerful, capable, limitless, endlessly beautiful, totally lovable. I stopped being afraid of people, because I could now see them through the eyes of love, they could no longer hurt me – I had taken my power back and in doing so handed the power of each person I encountered back to them.
After experiences like this, whenever someone prefaces a statement with “You’re not going to believe this”, I just think, “Try me.”
After my brain flatlined production of DOSE neurotransmitters, one of the effects that it had (which is such a testimony to the mind-spirit-body connection), as I could no longer hold the goodness of life within my spirit, mind, and heart during this time, is that my body could no longer hold the nourishment I was giving it. I began losing weight. It was fall 2017.
I wasn’t overweight by any means when this started, but I also wasn’t rail thin. At first it was sort of inconsequential as I was so concerned with trying to regain brain function. But as time went on, the meat of who I was just continued to shrink, both mentally and physically. I was hungry and ate a lot, often, yet my body just couldn’t process and hold onto what I was giving it. I also lost some of the foods I had regained during the beginning of my recovery.
Not the most flattering picture, but the only evidence I have of what I had happened. Photo credit to Raphael.
By January 2018, this is what I looked like. I was a solid 30 lbs below my average weight over the past 6 years. Strange things began to happen in this psyche that had been trained to see thin as better – no matter what. I began to look around and see women who had the curves I used to have and to wish, that by some miracle, I could have mine back. I looked back on my past body with an entirely new appreciation for the ability to gain and hold weight, to have *gasp* thick thighs, and HIPS. To eat food and have solid evidence. To have normal hormonal function. So many things that are the object of complaint and disdain in modern culture; we truly don’t know what we have until we’ve lost it.
Slowly, very slowly, as DOSE came back online and my brain could hold more joy, more life, and I began to find hope once again, to find pockets of peace and ease and rest once again, my body also regained its ability to hold onto what I fed it. I re-retrained with old foods and added my favorite food of all – peanuts.
Comical side story here – whenever the brain is neuroplastic we have the ability to have heightened emotional experiences, and it makes it easier to change associated pathways when we trigger the maladaptive pathways before redirecting them. When I first started training with peanuts, with a mere 5 peanuts as my trigger before practice, several days in a row, it was clearly WAY to much for my system. But the practice rounds I had after those peanuts were so euphoric! It was amazing and hilarious to me all at the same time that eating 5 peanuts could cause me to have such mind blowing visualizations. I waited about a month, and in the miraculous and mysterious fashion of neuroplasticity and limbic impairment recovery, I went from 5 peanuts to spoonfuls of peanut butter within weeks with flying colors. My body squealed with delight at all of this amazing fat and calories it was receiving and I rejoiced to have regained my absolute favorite food after 5 years of pretending that almond butter could somehow compare.
Slowly, the weight came back. I ate SO MUCH during this time, my body was just begging to be satisfied 100% of the time now that satisfaction was a viable option. Never in my life have I so deeply enjoyed the feeling of being full. Gone was the guilt and shame I had for so long associated with this feeling. Pleasure from food became my dear, dear friend for the first time ever. I attribute some of this as well to the fascinating power of mirror neurons- the phenomenon that as we watch or listen to someone having an experience, the same neurons fire in our brain and we have a similar experience, quite without realizing it sometimes, and even if the experience is one we have never had ourselves. One of my practice buddies during this time had a deeply pleasurable and healthy relationship with the enjoyment of eating, and I unwittingly gained this ability to appreciate food in a whole new way, just from practicing with her as she relived memories of relishing simple experiences of eating. Mirror neurons are, in all seriousness, one of the most veiled and dynamic forces behind human history.
As my weight crept back I celebrated every bit of it – look, I have LEGS again! I can grab the fat on my stomach- there’s something THERE!!! Every ounce was a testimony to the hard work of rebuilding the temple of my soul and heart, physical evidence of intense focus, diligence, and perseverance (sound familiar? The same could be said for utilizing a weight LOSS program). I was damn proud of it too.
My defining moment of shift came when I went clothes shopping for some clothing that reflected the shift of a fuller, spunkier, sassier interior life. I pulled on a form fitting, off the shoulder, barely mid thigh length red dress and stood back to evaluate. I watched as the old Christina’s opinion of my (now size 8, not 2 and half) figure floated away, never to be seen again. When I looked in that dressing room mirror (which before DNRS would at times cause intense distress, tears and self loathing that lasted for days), I saw confidence. Power. Sexiness. Poise. Evidenced in the very fat that had once been my mortal enemy. The new, effortless self talk was now “I worked HARD for BOTH of those thighs, that hint of a muffin top, and that rounded backside.” Those are my GOODS, baby! I realized too that a perfectly figured, size 2, well endowed woman who still had our world’s view of the female body branded into her heart could easily look in that same mirror, objectively looking far better than I in that dress, and only see flaws. I am free, I thought. Now I care more for the actual, functional wellbeing of my body, and the interior attitudes of confidence, poise, and sense of my own feminine power, than for the exact size of my pants, number on the scale, or my sex appeal or the opinion of my friends. I am beginning to see myself through God’s eyes.
The only evidence of the red dress. It has since disappeared, lol.
This is still a journey, as it will be for my whole life. As I’ve learned from my dear friends at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, this relationship with food and body is our longest one, one we have for the duration of our existence here on earth. But now I have the tools to approach it from a place of true love and care for my health and well-being on all levels, a love that begets discipline and good decisions – whether that look like getting enough sleep, working on my alignment, doing my DNRS practice, walking 25-30 miles per week, indulging in a green smoothie or indulging a large slice of gluten and sugar filled birthday cake. If it’s a decision made from love, it’s a good decision.
Our hearts are restless until they rest in You, O God. – St. Augustine
What images or feelings does this word evoke within you? Perhaps for you home isn’t actually your house or even your childhood house, but perhaps a vacation spot or a friend’s place, maybe a song, maybe another person- a place that feels like home, even if you’ve only been there once or twice.
This tells us something. Home isn’t a physical location per se, it is first and foremost a home for our hearts. It has a home detector, this heart which is our sixth and most powerful sense. The other five senses cannot tell us that there is love, security, peace, beauty, friendship in a place. But our hearts can.
And this sixth sense is so vastly much more accurate than the others, informing me of my true needs and desires, of what is most true about everything I see, of the only things that will ever make me happy, that again, and again, and again…I come home. I place every ounce of trust in my heart, all of my effort to fearlessly follow her, believing with all my might that I am strong enough, small enough, humble enough, to enter the Kingdom, again.
Because every. Single. Time. my brain or past habits trick me into thinking that I’d rather have easy than real, rather have what I want right now or what feels familiar than what I truly need, or that I shouldn’t trust my heart (which is the most ridiculous claim in the universe – and yet, sometimes I fall blindly into the lie), I end up unhappy on some level. Less than alive on some level. Restless, or worse, apathetic. Priorities all out of order. And I remember – this is no way to live my one precious, wild life on this planet, where every moment, reality hinges, breathlessly awaiting my choices. Because my choices, our choices, have consequences. My family will either have love, peace, and abundance in our home – or not. That is up to me to decide.
Then comes doing the work, the work of following this heart moment by moment, giving every shred of my attention, focus, effort and trust to whatever feels like home in this moment. Because, you see, the only way to go home is to trust home. When we trust what feels like home moment by moment, home is constructed in our hearts and God can enter and have somewhere to reside. We are indeed temples of the Holy Spirit, but our temples are only as large and strong as we build them to be. We must believe in order to see. Faith comes before sight, just like the blind man healed by Jesus in the Gospels. What is invisible, intangible, and mysterious is actually the most trustworthy in this human existence where we walk a fine line between heaven and earth.
But the REWARD! The peace! The joy! The freedom! The ability to trust ourselves, and to truly, truly trust that God is really gonna take care of us! This, my friends, is the only true peace that exists. I guarantee it. And I am determined to have it.
So when it feels like trusting the true, the good, is ripping bandaid off a wound – let it come off. Let the bitterness heal, let the lies that have masqueraded as you DIE, once and for all! When it feels childlike, foolish! even, and takes more strength than you thought you had, to trust God in the face of whatever you are facing, you can know, with absolute certainty, you are on the right path.
The degree of your trust in the feeling of home determines God’s ability to fill your soul with His peace, to carry you home effortlessly, as on a cloud. Just imagine trying to care for your own child’s wound if they won’t let you near them. You, try, reason, plead, and beg to offer your child healing balm and comfort – but when they are in a state of panic there is zero reasoning happening there and they are so concerned with protecting the wound that they won’t let you near it. Let that sink in for YOU, for a moment. You and your Daddy. Then just maybe, the next time you find yourself asking, “Where is God in all this pain?” you’ll remember, and lift your gaze from the pain to the One who can heal it.
In the end, we find that the just as much as the Kingdom of Heaven exists within us, so too does home exist within. I had an aha recently, repeating my mantra of “I don’t have a body, I don’t have an ego” (still working on those body image pops!) I realized that in a huge way, that’s actually true. When I die I can’t bring my body or my ego with me, but I sure can bring my heart, the one where God already resides, where His Kingdom is established- Home will just get a whole lot bigger, gone will be the effort and the struggle, and the eyes of my heart will be capable of seeing, and the Temple I have built of holding, the weight of glory I behold.
I just discovered, to my own absolute amazement, that the song I was going to link down here by my friend Jason Mraz, was officially shot at Red Rocks, where I just saw him perform for the first time last September. He has taught me a LOT through his music and this song never fails to wake up my heart.
Each day we are becoming a creature of splendid glory or one of unthinkable horror. C.S. Lewis
What is freedom? A much contested question over human history, indeed. This is what I believe.
We humans have incredible, unfathomable freedom and power. We get to choose what thoughts, emotions, and actions we pay attention to or choose to create, and this fact creates the masterpiece of our lives. Each choice is a brushstroke. We get to choose the perspective we take of our own lives, of each situation and human being we encounter. We can choose to see ourselves as victims – or victors, and others as nuisances or “out to get us” – or as humans holding brokenness, needing love in their cracks and trying to cope with life in the only way they know how. Or perhaps they are standing up for what they believe, maybe their actions have nothing to do with us at all.
True freedom is being able with ease, to choose exactly what you want to do, think, and feel each moment of the day. How you respond to each situation you are in, each person you speak to, each thought or belief you encounter within yourself, each sensation you experience in your body. To be the only one having power over yourself. To take the power back from all that it might have been given over to – laziness, “I feel like”, “I have to”, sex drive, hunger and cravings, physical or emotional pain, labels and diagnoses, need for approval, irritability, anger, or any idea that suggests you are not the one completely in charge of yourself and your experience of life. THAT is freedom, lived. Easy? Heck no. Worth it? HELL YEAH!
Think about someone you admire and look up to. This is basically the definition of a hero! We are ALL born to be heros! We can channel the energy that is so often taken from us in anxiety about the state of the world or our lives and use it to become someone who can actually DO something to make the world, to make this life, a better place, here in our corner, rippling out in mysterious ways and pouring healing into the crevices, reaching further than we can envision. Imagine going to sleep at night knowing that in the thousands of choices you had today, you took the higher road. There is peace within you, knowing you have all you could today to plant love, truth, and excellence into your world and yourself. There is nothing that compares with that. Nothing.
Confidence comes when you have done this long enough that you have built who you are. When you have built yourself on Truth, on your own God given freedom and power, you are absolutely certain of everything you say and do because you chose it with all you are. Everything that comes from you, out of you, is an expression of who you are. You have nothing to prove, protect, defend, or hide. You can dance down the street (or through the grocery store), make friends with anyone you want, and tackle any project you want, knowing you will find a way to accomplish it.
This is seen to the highest degree in Jesus. As it says in the Gospel, He spoke with an authority that threw people for a loop. They were shocked, shaken, woken by it. After a few months of rewiring my brain, understood this authority. I commanded with complete authority my entire being in every nanosecond of the day. I had complete mastery over myself and when I spoke, I did so with authority. The way Jesus behaves in the Gospels began to make a whole lot of sense.
I learned something else through this particular experience. I read recently that God is always happy because His happiness comes from who He is, and ours from things and circumstances. I disagree. We are made in His image, and the only true and lasting happiness I have ever found came from being my truest, Highest, best self. When I am me, truly me, I am happy for absolutely no reason at all. No one can take you away from you, and that happiness can be yours no matter what is happening in your life.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. – Matthew 18:3
This is a common verse, perhaps even a common topic of discussion in church circles (and by discussion I mean homily material or book material, not everyday conversation). My lived experience of it is far, far different and more profound than anything I’ve heard on the topic.
I’m standing on the stairs from the basement and quite frankly I can’t remember why I’m here because my youngest is pulling my arm hard with a commanding, “Come WITH me, Mommy!” as he drags me up the stairs so I can do whatever it is he wants. This particular occasion strikes me – he is absolutely certain that I am going to do what he asks. 100%.
It’s a different day and his twin sister places herself directly in front of me, holds up her arms with a smile and says, “Hold me up, Mommy!” Of course, darling! And I twirl her in a circle, landing her firmly in my arms.
It’s pretty easy to see what these sweet humans believe about themselves and the authority figures in front of them. Without a single thought or analysis, they know I am worthy of receiving what I am asking for, I am loved and my parent will give me all the love I ask for, getting my needs met is really, really important, and I can count on my parent to meet them.
Could you? Could you believe that nothing has changed about the essence of who you are as a human being since YOU were that precious toddler? You and your needs and desires still matter just as much now as they did then. And God still wants to give them to you just as much, no, much, much more than you want good things for your children.
But those don’t sound anything the beliefs many adults I see hold about themselves and God. Most adults exhibit behaviors that suggest the exact opposite beliefs- my needs don’t matter (until I can’t take the emptiness anymore and drown my pain some addictive substance or activity), God won’t be there to catch me if rely on Him, I’m not worthy of good things, and my being full of happiness, joy, and love isn’t important- look at all the work that needs doing! All the important world events that I am morally obliged to be aware of so I can argue with people I don’t know about them or just stress myself out about them in my head! Yeah, that’s the *important* stuff.
And while so many of us precious humans have our heads stuck in the sand of “distrust of all things good”, God is still holding out His hand, smiling at our silly self importance, inviting us to take off the monkey suit and be children again. We already are important, we don’t have to try!
There is, truly, a real vulnerability in being like a child. Everything is a (possible) game them, every object exists only for the delight it can provide – true delight that lights up the eyes, soul and body and has zero regard for the ego. Children don’t factor in what people might think of them before they start a game of their own device. I was walking with my 2 older daughters yesterday (7 and almost 9) and they were absolutely tickled pink to be able to run through the crunchy snow that is still lining the streets of our neighborhood. To a child, a special rock or flower (or snow) is a sacred treasure, to an adult, a something to be disposed of, a nuisance, or even, a danger. But which one is the the true perspective? Is this natural world with were given just a dirty, dangerous nuisance or is it a sacred treasure to explored and enjoyed?
I personally used to think asking God for something and fully believing, fully expecting it to show up in my life was…ridiculous. Scary, even, I mean, I am relying on something invisible to give me the things I most desperately need?!
Then came the point where blind trust in what I couldn’t see was the only way to move forward. If I don’t trust absolutely and completely, I can’t live. It’s taking months for this way of being to become natural, to stop thinking about anything that isn’t happening *right now*. But as I live this way it becomes clear that this present moment is really the only reality there is. Anything else is just something we made up in our heads – reliving the past, trying to prelive the future, or going in circles in our heads about something that we can’t do anything about right now. Through my recovery experience I’ve learned that the only way to fix those pressing issues (the health problem, relationship problem, money problem, housing problem, kid problem, job problem, you get the picture), was to stop thinking about it completely and do something. Live. Joyfully.
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Matthew 6:28-29
Ask, and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
I can just see your eyes glazing over, you’ve heard it SO. MANY. TIMES. The chorus of “yeah, but…”s into back of your mind reminiscent of the seagulls in Finding Nemo. But, what if?
What if for one day, one week, one month, we could stay in this moment, actually doing what we’re doing and trusting God to take care of all the things our sweet brains, helpful a lá 2 year old, bring up throughout the day? And with all the needs that spring from the depths of our being? What might our lives look like at the end of that time? How much peace, productivity, love, and joy might we experience as a result? Better relationships? Better job performance? A cleaner house? More confidence? A better self image? A better relationship with the Divine?
In Truth, all we have is today. We will all pass from this life one day, never to have a chance to live this moment again. Right now is, literally, all we’ve got. One thing I am absolutely certain of for myself, I want to experience each moment of my life to fullest degree I possible can. Presence heals. God can care for the future, for the healing of the past by our reliance on Him in this moment. He is trustworthy.
The amazing thing is that when we focus only on this moment, being present and our best self now, our souls can breathe, our minds grow calm, and our bodies follow. Blood pressure lowers, heart rate slows. We begin to sleep better as our brains learn that it’s okay to do nothing, or rest, to be quiet. We can work better, love better, play with our kids better, when this moment is only one that exists for us. And that list of problems up above? They begin to disappear. When we show up in our lives, it heals them.
The Eye of the Needle 