The First Proposal

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I was 15. I’d been in love with him for a solid year, at least. I believed on a deep level that this was it, this was the One I would spend the rest of my life with. I just couldn’t imagine anything else.

One night our family was praying the rosary the same way we did every night and on this particular night I had a sort of vision, a lucid dream if you like. A young man came and proposed to me, and the way we just know in dreams, I just knew it was Him. Jesus. I spent the rest of the evening in an interior shock and joy after giving my vibrant YES! At the same time a question bubbled up in the back of mind, what does this even mean? What do I do now?

My first thought was to ask my best friend at the time if I could talk to her mom. This woman is one of the wisest I’ve ever met, certainly the most confident, and showing me both through her own family and home the meaning of hospitality and the kind of family life I dreamed to be a part of. She was a) not someone you want to mess with and b) the kind of person you talk to when you have a perplexing situation. Seeing as I was in situation b I came over to chat one evening.

I poured my heart out about this particular occurrence and was met with the perfect response. Respect, silence, and a couple questions. She held space for my own questions, showing me, without words, that sometimes in life we aren’t supposed to know, just trust and keep living. To this day I’m amazed at how much more is communicated by who someone is than by what they say.

Life went on, of course, and a year and half later, the summer before college, that absolute certainty I had about my vocation (religious, of course) started to seem more like an option. I had a very, very personal relationship with Jesus this whole time – Eucharist adoration was something I craved and did often, daily mass was a given, and the line of communication between us was perfectly clear. It was one of the most joyful periods of my life. But now, He seemed to be insinuating that I had a choice – AHHHH! Why would you do this to me? I don’t want a choice, I want everything to be laid out so I don’t have to think for myself or take responsibility for my life choices! 

Ha. That is NOT what God is here for.

I met my husband about month after beginning school, and as my oldest brother so adeptly noticed at the time, “Is he helping you discern you vocation?” Yep. You got it.

Fast forward about 8 years and we were in the middle of our perfect storm. I couldn’t bear to see those rings on my finger anymore, so I took them off for a couple days. One day, I looked up at the crucifix on the wall of our master bath (every room had one, not hard when the house has 9 rooms total), and remembered. Oh Jesus, You’re still here. I made a vow to YOU first. You have done nothing but love me in perfect faithfulness my entire life. I’m doing this for you. And slipped the rings back onto my finger.

And during the hardest times of my life and recovery, when leaving life seemed easier than living it, I hear the words of Toula’s mother, in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, as she’s cups Toula’s face in her hands, “ I gave you life so that you could live it.” Get up, Christina. Get up. Pick your heart up off the floor and remember the glorious romance that has carried you this far.

So while I had no idea what it meant at the time, that strange vision I had at 15 (and the reason for my username – my life for Christ, 15) has carried me in mysterious and unseen ways through every point in my life where I might have given up. I firmly believe that God’s grace is always present, always available, although it never looks the same, and we always have a choice. Do we pick up the grace already given? Each one of us is truly like Frodo, in one of his darkest moments when he finds himself in front of Galadriel, who with a gracious smile, and gently, says, “If you do not find a way, no one can.” But this is actually good news. You are the way. Your limitless human spirit, combined with the boundless grace of God, can build a road to any worthy end. Yes, YOU, can. Take my hand.

Joy IS Life

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Rather, the law of the Lord is his joy;

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree 

planted near streams of water,

It’s leaves never wither, whatever he does prospers.  – Psalm 1:2-3

Anything is possible with God. Anything.

What do you look for when you need a boost? Coffee? Exercise? Sugar? Alone time? Time with friends? Prayer?

For my almost entire life pre-DNRS I always needed something – more coffee, more exercise, more control, more people to like me… you know, the common list. Then I reached a beautiful point where I couldn’t have most of those things anymore. I lost that illusion of control. A mysterious illness had taken over my body and mind and my life did not seem like it was mine anymore. My hour long daily walks that had been my one source of sanity were gone, by ability to be productive and feel good about that was gone, expecting anyone to like me seemed ridiculous. 

Then I began DNRS – explicit permission, nay, encouragement- a COMMAND, even, to pursue feelings of joy, love, gratitude to infinity and beyond. So I did. And I found that while  my circumstances had not changed (except in the ways I was actively changing them through my DNRS practice) I felt completely satisfied. In the past, I would get in a tiffy if I didn’t get my full 3 mile walk. Now here I was walking a mile or two a day and feeling completely satisfied with every moment of the day. 

It was the joy, I realized, that I had been craving all along! I just needed love! My whole life had been a big long search for love. In biological terms, love is spelled D-O-S-E – dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. I had always found love in movement, nature, and music, and in my connection to the Divine, yet the weeds of untrue beliefs choked out the love for long stretches of life. I sought the stuff, not the Kingdom. But now, with permission granted to ditch all that and take up joy as my everything, I found myself more productive, more calm, more loving, more capable and at peace than ever before. Scripture started making sense, songs and hymns started making sense (I need you Lord, every hour I need you – yes! I get it now! This joy I receive as the most marvelous gift in every moment is like the breathe in my lungs), the whole world started looking the sparkling, glorious, magnificent creation God made it to be. All of my previous crutches become bonuses, extras. Seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will be granted to you as well.

Other things changed. I stopped picking the skin off my fingers, stopped needing caffeine to be okay, my body image issues and relationship with food are about 90% healed, I started seeing men as humans (with their own unique contributions to the human race! Humans who need love just like me!) instead of monsters, I stopped making decisions from fear and doubt and started making them from love and wisdom, I stopped being afraid that all my “issues” were messing up my kids- now I can help them, and now I trust God to heal that which I cannot reach within them.

I read somewhere recently that a recovered alcoholic MUST be a deeply spiritual person else they fall back to their old ways. I agree. In recovering from this brain impairment I must cling to Joy, seek out God and his light in every moment to stay riding these new highways of joy and abundance that I’ve built into my psyche. I trust that one day it will become second nature, but there is no way to know when that will happen, and regardless, in life we always have choices. I choose joy.

There is too, one other absolutely beautiful side effect of seeing the fruit of joy in my life. I stopped being afraid of people who don’t share my faith. Now whenever I encounter someone who shows evidence of God’s life within them, of joy, self control, peace, generosity, love, wisdom, and gratitude, I draw closer to see – what do you know? What can I learn from you about God, about life? Can we be friends? Whether or not we share religious beliefs, if we share the essence of God’s life there is hope for a mutually beneficial friendship where we can learn, live, laugh, and love, and respect the differences, being curious without fear, knowing that we are each faithful to both our religious beliefs and the principles that flow from them – faithfulness and unconditional love. We can learn to be like a God who loves all His children equally and invites us all to truth and joy with open arms. 

Everything men seek can be found in just one rose or a drink of water. – The Little Prince

The Tender Beginngings of Healing

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The Woman with the Hemorrhage in her moment of reaching.

It was January 2017. I was standing next to my bed talking with my husband, crying after I had found this image of the woman with the hemorrhage receiving healing. I’d asked for healing, hadn’t I? Lots of times. But, asked my husband, were you really open to it? Did you believe He would heal you?

No. I hadn’t. I had bought into the lie that He want me to suffer, that my happiness was only for the afterlife.

But when I looked around at the havoc this mysterious illness was wrecking on my family it seemed clear that this was not of God. So I took a deep breath and opened my heart,  the one that had been shut with pain and bitterness, and asked very simply “Jesus, will you heal me?” As I’ve learned since then, it’s these simple, heartfelt prayers that He answers most quickly.

About a month later I came across the Dynamic Neural Retraining System. It was only $300 for the at home DVD set, no follow ups, just do the program. It seemed to good to be true financially- that was pennies in the pail compared to what we’d already spent on supplements, special food, and various practitioners. So we took the leap.

As I watched the DVDs a spark began to grow inside of me – this makes so much sense! It’s JUST MY BRAIN. Whoooooa! It’s not me and I can fix it! It’s hard work, they say, it requires lots of dedication and focus, lots of repetition. Well, I’ve BEEN doing that – you think it’s easy to eat for 3 on a fat free diet consisting of 20 foods? To tell my kids everyday, that no, we can’t go to the park? To try to figure out how to adequately care for the house and kids when I couldn’t do any of the work? If all that effort and willpower actually goes somewhere it will be more than worth it!

The defining moment during my learning of the program was when Annie (the creator and presenter of the program) got quiet for a moment, looked around at everyone, and said, “There is divine intelligence inside each one of you that knows perfect health.” My human spirit, somewhere in the depths of me whispered, that is true. And so, the journey began. Within a few weeks of doing the work it became obvious that yes, perfect health DID already exist inside of me! All it took was about 40 minutes of complete euphoria and I was me again, able to do everything I’d always been able to do.

Within a week, I was driving again. Within a month, I went from hardly being walk around my house to walking several miles a day in addition to doing a great job of caring for my house and kids (and being damn happy about it too – I can sweep the floor! I can do the laundry! I can make dinner! All in the same day! Booyah!). I vowed never to take these abilities for granted again.

And every. single. time I practice (which is 3- 4 times per day), and as I practice the other pillars of DNRS, I’ve realized that healing only comes from that place of absolute faith and expectation. That deep knowing that, YES! Jesus desires my full healing, YES! I deeply desire my full healing and freedom in Him, and the tiny whisper yes, yes Jesus, here is my heart, here is…all of me. Take me, heal me, set me free. I only want You.

The Power of Forgetting

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I am no one, I repeat to myself again. I am no one and that is everything.

When we are children, and depending on who we surround ourselves with as adults, we hear again and again that we can be and do anything we want.

I have a feeling most of us think that’s BS by a certain age. But then I read a successful entrepreneur say that that the secret to success is to remember that we are no one but the stories we built up about ourselves based on past experiences. Forget those and you really can be anyone, with enough work and perseverance.

So much of DNRS, of the process of rewiring the brain, is forgetting. We are handed all the tools we need to forget absolutely everything we used to think we were and discover who we really are – what do we actually LIKE, when all the ego and BS is taken out of the picture? What sets a fire to our souls and a light in our eyes? Go! Go do that! AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. Permission GRANTED.

As it turns out, praise God, we are NOT our thoughts, bodies or brains, the weird films and vague feelings that are the unseen backdrop of so many lives, this web of lies that makes us “feel like”. I “feel like” [insert negative statement]… is a blatant LIE. The sign of some untrue belief(s) clogging the flow of life through our being.

So, smarty pants, what’s the answer then? Follow the energy. The good energy. Literally EVERYTHING is made of energy, and the only way to change a false belief that’s been jammed into your subconscious (at least that I know of) is to live out the emotions (joy, love, gratitude, calm, peace) of the opposite belief. You don’t even have to know what you’re doing. Just let the energy of God’s life flow through and it will carry all the junk out, no effort necessary. Just hold still and let it happen.

This takes immense, intense humility. To purposefully become no one, and at the same time own the greatness of your own limitless human spirit that is steering you toward enormous joy, this takes being both incredibly tiny and at the same able to hold the glory of all creation in your heart. 

The glorious secret in this is that after passing through the no one, after the forgetting, the purging, this stinging love of purification, this sacrifice of joy…we’re home. We arrive at a place within that is oddly familiar, and completely new. THIS, at last! is home. I know this place. The place those whispers inside had spoken to you of so many times, the ache of a stunning sunset, a snowflake, a drop of water on a leaf in the light of sunrise, the silence of a winter morning, frozen in utter, untouched perfection – deep calls unto deep and every bit of that glory exists inside of YOU. Yes, YOU. Reader. Right there behind the screen. And it’s the realist thing about you. I promise. You are not your body, your brain, or anyone’s opinion of you (even your own). You are that. His kingdom lies within you.

So go! Forget. Let go of thinking, of knowing, of analyzing and controlling, of pretending to be that vague structure of beliefs and web of feelings and follow your heart in the moment. Look around right now. What color do like most in this room? Your favorite piece of art? The shape of your child’s face? The sound of a bird, a rustle of paper, glint of sunlight, the poetry of the chair’s shadow in the 4 pm light? Everything is magic. Pay attention, moment by moment, trust the goodness with all your might, and the bliss will carry you home.

Love’s Redemption

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And just like that, it was gone. Every bit of trust there had been in my marriage, vanished in an instant. In that moment, the relationship built on sand imploded, scattering it’s dust into the atmosphere, never to be seen again. Thank God.

A severe mercy. This is a phrase that pops up in my life frequently and it couldn’t be more accurate. The lies, the falsities, ALL the things built on sand HAVE to go in order for something real and glorious to be revealed. It doesn’t matter how, it doesn’t matter when, but they have GOT to go. A severe mercy.

This was the beginning of the end of my own life built on sand too – it had been so tied up in the relationship that my interior world began to crumble – PTSD, insomnia, twin pregnancy, all at once. The oldest of the other 3 kids was barely 5. A severe mercy – if the innermost lies my life had been erroneously built upon were never exposed I would never have found DNRS, I would never have found the truth or the glorious life that is at this very moment unfolding before me. MERCY. Thank you, Jesus, from the depths of my soul for your mercy.

Months turned into years. Twins were born, sleepless months ensued, and the distance between my spouse and I only widened. I ended up unable to care for my children and again, by God’s grace (a whole other post about that) I found DNRS. My marvelous husband was still an enormous trigger for my brain and I barely looked at him for the first 5 months of my journey. 

Fast forward to a year later. From the outside, I appeared to be a terrible wife and mother, horribly inconsistent and seemingly inattentive to my children and husband (while on the inside giving 100% effort to keep my brain moving in a straight line forward instead in a downward spiral). Any remaining trust or immediate hope my husband had for us died. When this became clear to me, I let the relationship go – God, this is in your hands. You can change me, he’s in your hands. 

Miraculously through a serious of strange and yucky looking events, 3 weeks later, my husband made a genuine attempt to understand what was going on inside of me. For the first time in my whole journey of recovery (19 months). I was flabbergasted and delighted and utterly surprised.

Things were more peaceful after that but he still eyed me with suspicion and distrust. 

During this time something amazing happened inside of me. I realized what an amazing thing marriage is. I knew we were both committed to be faithful to this marriage till death do us part, no matter what, and I began to see what a strong, faithful, consistent, responsible, and loving father and husband my spouse was. I saw the solid foundation my life was built on – beautiful home in a welcoming and friendly neighborhood, 5 gorgeous kids, the ability to stay home and homeschool, no need to ever worry about dating ever (which sounded like heaven when I hear some of the stories of what that’s like these days), the support of my parents, time and space to rewire my brain, delicious food whenever I wanted…and this solid foundation here to stay. I began to think, even if we never had anything more than our current relationship, what a beautiful thing! What a gift! God is brilliant! Marriage is amazing!

And then something even more amazing happened. Through some miracle, about a month after I began feeling this way, my husband decided to trust me again. He became affectionate. My mind was completely blown. He became kind and gentle toward me in speech, considerate toward me in thought, and my gratitude flourished. Never again will I take a single kind word or action for granted again. Every moment of this relationship that is growing on the rock of trust and unconditional love is absolutely priceless.

The best part? THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING! Who knows what amazing things will come next? I don’t, but I’m sure God has got some lovely gifts and surprises up His sleeves for us. The light of Easter is dawning within our marriage, hope is restored, and God’s glory is peaking through our cracks.


Rock

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I am building on rock this time. Everything. My relationship with myself, God, my husband, my body, food, movement, sleep, my parents and friends.

What is rock? The heart. As soft as it is, it is the only truth that exists, I firmly believe this. Not once in my life has my heart EVER led me anywhere but to truth – Truth.  

You will know them by their fruits, Jesus says. 

In listening attentively to the soft whisper in my heart, I find peace, joy, and delight in the tiniest of things – light on the walls, bubbles on the dishes, dust, everywhere, beautiful music, smiling faces, juicy colors, nature. An abundance enough for any human to never be bored of for all eternity, because when we live from the heart we become like our Father – delighted by everything, so ancient and so new, always saying “Again, AGAIN!” 

From this place, we only want the same for everyone around us, patience is a no brainer (how could I EVER be bored or frustrated when I’m surrounded by all this delicious beauty?!), we are naturally kind, work is very appealing, never in a million years would we want to gossip or fight or do anything that would detract from this glorious connection. This is life on the rock.

The other thing? I learned this when my body was very sick. But the beauty was so strong and compelling, my heart and desire to live so strong, that I forgot my body very purposefully. I broke up with it. All the sensations that had ruled my life on the sand, I couldn’t feel them when I was absorbed in that bliss of the heart. And guess what? It stopped happening. I no longer experience any of those sensations. I am healed, in the flesh.

This time around, it’s not sensations but thoughts that at times attempt to intrude upon my peace and send me spiraling into an abyss of dark. The solution? You guessed it! The heart! Unfailing, no matter what my poor impaired brain may try to do, the heart is a soft cushion for me to land. A true home; a true North Star. 

And all those beliefs I used to have about myself and the world, how bad everything was, how incapable I was? Phooey, my heart said. So now I get to listen, and learn – what is truth?

 Read Scripture, listen for wisdom (known by its fruit) –listen to me –says my heart. I will build on rock, on experiences of beauty and joy, peace and love, and on the truths that many before me have lived. Day by day, I pull the energy of His truth – joy, love, gratitude, calm, peace – through my body and let it become the fabric of my being, quite literally.

I’ve learned that all the world is truly just an enormous invitation to joy, to play, to marvel and create, just like our Creator, to spread that joy that is so woven into our being that  we can find it no matter what turned off our light, or how long it’s been since we’ve seen it. 

And me? I am limitless, creative, beautiful, enough, cherished and loved beyond my wildest imagination. I can do anything. I have healed myself, let in this healing light and rebuilt my life, one moment, one choice at a time, on the rock of God’s truth that he planted in my heart when He knit me in my mother’s womb. And not just once, but twice am I doing this, by learning to love myself the way He does – unrelenting in pursuit of my perfection in His glorious image, put here to do sacred work. Not resting until it is complete. 

What about all that evil in the world, so many people ask? I used to be the foremost, struggling to reconcile evil and suffering with my knowledge of an all loving and all powerful God. 

Believe it or not, it is the unintended outcome of – love. No one, not even God, can make us love them. God had to give us the choice not to love Him, to love things other than Him, in order for us to have true freedom in choosing Him. Unfortunately, and many times through no fault of our own, many of us have bought into lies that we can find happiness outside of Him, outside of truth and have chosen evil thinking it would somehow satisfy the ache, the itch, the yearning that drives us all.

But in every dark place there is chance for the Resurrection to happen all over again in THAT heart, in THAT life, in THAT relationship or family. In THAT BODY – yes! I didn’t believe it before DNRS but God even wants my BODY to be filled with the glory of His resurrection, with joy, wellness, energy – LIFE!! Then filled with His life, our souls and bodies overflowing with His abundance, we are able to share Him effortlessly, scattering joy, peace, and love by our very presence, able to heal others with the healing love He has poured into us. We get to be the lamps, shining and undeniable proof of His goodness in a world that so desperately needs that proof.

I am dedicating this post to St. John Paul II, who was that proof for me during my darkest days. We had a photograph of him in our house, and when I looked into his eyes time disappeared and I saw a man who knew a Light that could turn the heaviness of suffering into the weight of glory. And then I found the Light.

The Eye of the Needle

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“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:24

Bliss. Joy. Empowerment. Childlike freedom and trust. Endless Divine love that gives meaning to the word ecstasy, the kind we all hunger for more than anything else in the world no matter how much we might try to pretend not to. A world where even the sky isn’t the limit but just an invitation to eternity. True self confidence. Faith that can be felt and almost touched, it’s so real. Abundant physical well-being. THAT is what is we find when we go through the eye of the needle.

What do we leave behind? Buts. Ego. Knowing what the hell is going on. False identity. All the negative emotions (especially fear and doubt). Thinking any thoughts at all, even the ones we don’t usually recognize as thoughts. Untruth.

What does it take? Becoming desire, trusting the bliss, and falling. And love, lots and lots of love. So simple, so easy if you really want it. And it never ends. 

“And love, is not the easy thing, the only baggage you can bring is all that you can’t leave behind.” 

“Home, hard to know what it is if you never had one.

Home, I can’t say where it is but I know I’m going home, that’s where the heart is.” (Credits to Bono, this was my first favorite U2 song)

“Leave it behind.”

Love is the only thing we can carry through this journey of life. 

I. AM. ENOUGH.

Posted on by mlfc15

“Neither shall they say, lo here!, or, lo there!, for behold, the kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” Albert Camus

This is a common saying these days and I’ve seen people get very “done” with this concept, thinking it’s stupid or doesn’t make sense, that it’s somehow an excuse from the hard work of life and personal growth. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This is my experience.

When I set out to rewire my brain I had a whole slew of debilitating physical, emotional, and mental health issues that no number or amount of supplements, doctors, therapists, or healing diet plans had been able to provide any lasting relief from for 7 years. I had a user’s manual to the brain, an understanding that all of this began in my brain and if I could replace those trauma loops with healthy emotions, thoughts and behaviors, I would heal.

So I began.

4 months of bliss later I had learned more about life, reality, and God in an experiential way than my entire life preceding that. And, I was about 75% healed of my ailments (while being much, much more active and eating things I hadn’t eaten in years).

On a human level, I did this alone. There was no one guiding me but my higher self, who was in tune with God at all times. I had no friends, was not in touch with anyone else doing DNRS (except 2 coaching sessions), and my husband was one of my triggers at the time. I went to Mass every week but even my faith was a trigger (I trusted God to understand and accept my sacrifice of joy while I changed my brain’s associations with it). My best friends in the physical world were the trees outside my window and along my walking route, the glorious sky, and sunlight. 

Yet, I NEVER felt alone. Ever. The glory of God’s creation was with me always, His beauty  and love filling every cell of being with absolute bliss, complete vulnerability and known-ness, my mind was quiet (because I had chosen not to think at all for that 4 months, a feat I still can’t quite comprehend looking back), and I knew that no matter what came my way, I could handle it. I had conquered fear, and I was my own safe place. I felt no need to share this with anyone at the time because I felt so utterly complete it seemed unnecessary, and besides, who on earth would believe me?

And then it started over. My brain stopped making any of the neurotransmitters that had allowed me to feel so much positive emotion and responded with panic to my attempts to invoke joy.

This is the time the journey was much slower as my brain slid to a very primal place over the next 5 months of not being able to access those neurotransmitters, and when it regained that ability, the process was very choppy and nothing remotely like those first months of bliss. But I KNEW I could do I again, I believed blindly. It took almost the entirety of 2018 to regain reliable access to the prefrontal cortex where all higher thinking and brain function occurs. 

In October 2018 I came once again to tears of home coming and joy, knowing that I had persevered through the darkness on blind faith and risen victorious, finally able to make sense of life again. This time through the process, my husband and children were all triggers to my poor befuddled brain,  and while I did have the support of others going through the program with me this time, I still did the work. I chose the faith, the hope, to believe in myself, in DNRS, and in God, despite not being able to access any of that emotionally for most of the year. 

Through all of this I learned, am learning still, that I am enough. Within me there is everything I need to find joy, to find truth, to go home. I learned that God is ALWAYS ready to help me, to provide His life blood of joy, peace, and abundance whenever I make the choice to reach, to open my heart, to hold onto true desire for him, for LIFE! 

Now? When I hunger for love, when I find myself seeking validation or connection outside of myself, I turn the gaze inward. I choose self love, opening my heart to the beauty already available around me – take a walk, even if it’s midnight, turn on my favorite songs and let the violin, the piano, guitar, or voices of my favorite music artists sing to my soul.  And once again I become like a child in my Father’s arms, soothed, loved, at rest. 

Or I practice the DNRS exercises, reliving memories close to my heart – when I was 7, or 15, or maybe just the sweet hugs my children gave me yesterday, and dream of the good things my future holds – homeschooling my children, getting to be with friends near and dear to my heart (even the ones I haven’t met yet, or haven’t seen in 10 years), a special date with my husband. And I find that within myself, I am never alone. 

Through God’s gift of neuroplasticity and DNRS, I know, with absolute certainty – I. Am. Enough.

P.S. I learned from a wise and beloved friend who has successfully rewired her brain, to sing love songs to myself, preferably in the mirror. This is one of my favorites.

I’m never gonna let you down

I’m always gonna build you up

And when you’re feeling lost

I will always find you love

I’m never gonna walk away

I’m always gonna have your back

And if nothing else you can always count on that

When you need me

I promise I will never let you down

-Collie Caillet