Tag: DNRS

It’s a very common thing in our world to ask the opinion or experiences of others for every new situation we encounter, as well as for common issues we have. I think it is a very wise thing to draw on the wisdom of community when needed, however I believe there are also many times where only we can know what we need and all outside information and input is dust compared to your own inner knowing.

One thing I have learned in the process of brain rewiring, since it involves changing the your subconscious beliefs and emotional associations to many things, and sometimes, just about everything in your life; you have to work completely in the dark, knowing only that what you are doing is right and very important but having no idea of what’s really happening under the surface or control over how the process plays out exactly. The times I make the most forward progress are precisely when I stop trying to figure anything out, stopping analyzing and asking questions, and just act on my intuition. 

In a world of information overload and a “more information and analysis is better” mentality about, just about everything, it seems very counterintuitive (especially in situations where seemingly severe, even life threatening, health, relationship, or financial circumstances are active) to trust in something as intangible as intuition as the main guide to one’s decisions (just to be clear I am speaking about the human intuition inherent to both genders, not “women’s intuition”). However in my experience the intuition seems to be the place where the physical input of our bodies and the embodied wisdom of our souls, and the voice of God Himself somehow converge into one thing. No need for a breakdown of anything. One package deal that requires very little intellectual knowledge, zero ego and analysis, and a Titanic sized boat of faith, trust, and courage.

There’s something beautiful and very empowering about deciding to stop listening not only to the voices and opinions of the world but also to the cover up feelings and excuses in our minds, the things we don’t realize are happening in the background. The voices that innocently suggest that we need more food when, if we listen deeper, the reality is we need more love. To exercise our power more. More sleep. More pleasure from the general experience of life. A fuller expression of sexuality. More discipline born of a selfless self love. More nutritious food. More protein. More fat. More carbs. And the lovely thing about intuition is that, if you listen deeply, you will always hear the correct reason for that particular occasion, and it may well change regularly.

Or perhaps a relationship or life situation where someone is frustrated with you or the situation just isn’t improving. Turn it around and ask “Is this person stressed? Do they have a good reason to be frustrated with me? Am I actually doing everything I need to be doing to improve the situation or am I spending my time looking for solutions to make it easer for myself to be happy when in reality I need to take full responsibility for myself and do the hard things?”

I find for myself many times the answer to the first 2 questions is yes and the second one is no/yes. BIIIGGG bite of humble pie. But after the first sting and sour tang comes the realization that taking care of the actual cause of the problem is the ONLY thing that will resolve it. True peace and the only freedom that exists lie on the other side. The only solution the outer problems in my life is to get myself fully aligned with truth on the inside and the outer problems simple dissolve into nothingness, replaced with peace, ease, and flow, as well a whole lot more maturity for myself. Makes that humble pie look reeeaaalll appetizing 😉.

The catch is, we must learn to rely far more on that still small voice, and condition ourselves to desire be uncomfortable, to make what is outside our comfort zone the most attractive thing, the solution to all our problems. Because it is.

I was taken aback listening to Tony Robbins coach a couple having pretty severe problems and seeing that they had mistaken all these surface level excuses and cover up problems for the real issue. In my own marriage, things aren’t perfect by any means but I have the “comfort” of knowing what the solution is – I need to finish this process of rewiring, I need to grow up. I need to put the the work in to meet my basic need for certainty (which comes from loving myself enough to give myself the certainty that I will be there for me emotionally and physically day in and day out, that I will have the strength and discipline to be reliable for me). Then, my relationship will flourish because it will not be a solution to my lack of self love but an out flowing of love for both my husband and myself,  and desire for a mutual enrichment of life and sharing of that love.

But I (and many other people, I’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal) don’t need anyone to tell us that. No need to spend money on conferences, counseling, programs, or therapy. Just the grit to get up and keep going every time I realize that I have fallen short of my true potential, to look at my failure and say 2 things: “I forgive you, and I love you, so what I can learn from this so it doesn’t happen anymore?” And then choose the moment to moment love, discipline, and creativity to forge the path to true maturity.

So when you face challenges, gather all the information you can about what might be a good solution. Then just listen. What first step do you need to take? The answer you hear may seem odd, or be uncomfortable (these are actually pretty likely attributes) – just trust it. Take a step into the dark and the light will find you.

When it comes to your life – you know best. Cultivate a deep understanding of the human person in light of God, listen deeply to the still small voice of God in the depths of your being, and you will surely find the straightest and shortest path to true freedom, not only for yourself but many you encounter through your actions and examples.

When we begin DNRS we are told to create a proclamation- a statement of our new way of being, of showing up in the world. It turns out that health, happiness and fulfillment are simply a way of looking at and experiencing life. Just a different lense.

This morning I felt the need to proclaim my new way of being in a prayer like the Psalms, a statement of what is – in the image of God so too do our words not return to us void. What we state as a reality moves us toward that reality. The Psalms are written in this style of a prayer that is also a proclamation of something that is true.

While my DNRS proclamation is simply a sentence that I state during practice rounds, I created this as something to measure up to, a standard to place myself against and see what area(s) need attention at the moment. Something to ground, anchor, and bring me home when I need to be reminded of what my priorities are. I have a lot of growing to do to fill these shoes so if you know me personally feel free to nudge me if my words, attitude and actions aren’t measuring up. I need all the help I can get 🌞

Jesus, you are my everything and my all.

My confidence and faith are complete and secure.

My trust is that of an infant.

My peace is wide, deep, and dynamic as the oceans you created.

I am calm and focused on all which is true, good, beautiful, worthy, constructive, honorable, and humorous.

My discipline runs deep and drinks from an endless river of love. The focus of my energies and attention are completely devoted to the truth.

I do as I please, knowing that with my heart resting in you, all of my desires are worthy of pursuit.

I hold time as a precious gift, to be used as the limited and sacred thing it is to bring myself and others more of Your life on THIS earth. I know I will have an abundance of Your Life after death but now is the only place I can build my Temple, love my family, and minimize the unnecessary suffering of evil residing in my being.

Loving and building up my family is my first priority, followed closely by sharing in a larger fellowship of community, of uplifting connections.

My own mind is entirely at my disposable, under my reign of authority to be used as I like. I acknowledge that in a very real way, all that happens in my mind and heart is the only reality there is and I wield this power for my own good and that of those surrounding me.

I sleep in peace because you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety, through the gifts of your love, Redemption and free will that I freely chose to use only for good.

My body is full of energy, vitality and intense calm. I fully receive the gift of abundant health as the outflowing of a life lived in Your truth. I embrace the gift of my own spiritual and physical, feminine beauty as a powerful tool to bring You to the world.

I receive and enjoy the gift of a calm, quiet mind, enjoying peace all the days of my life.

I relish in deep, fulfilling relationships with my husband, children and friends, and the ability to serve others deeply and to be served in return.

I revel in the fact that practicing presence and gratitude in the moment is what makes life worth living.

I dance through life with abandon in the knowing that all my knowledge is rubbish before the presence of God. I embrace unknowing and endlessly deepening humility as a way of life.

I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. I will glory in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34: 1-5

It was about 3 weeks after I started DNRS. My main form of incremental training (one of the 5 pillars of the program is to do a small amount of an activity or exposure that would normally trigger slight symptoms, followed by the practice to redirect the neural pathways to healthy ones), was taking a walk. Walking, was, shall we say, uncomfortable and extremely anxiety provoking to my brain at the time (this is putting it very mildly). I had been very slowly working on getting my brain to accept a solid mile of walking, utilizing the principle of DNRS that we can focus intensely on something else (positive) in the environment so the brain is occupied and unable to send false messages of illness to the body.

This particular walk started out no different. I did my practice round and headed out for a walk. I got a little farther than I had been going previously and my brain was putting up quite a fuss despite my attempts to stay focused. But this day, I got far enough to see the trees, about a mile away, that surrounded my favorite park and pond, a place I hadn’t been to in months on my own steam and desperately desired to return to. That was it. I made my choice. Without a single thought, with complete faith in the intensity of my desire, I kept straight ahead.

It felt like trying to hold a wobbly boulder over my head to focus enough on the music in my ears and the splendor of the trees to the point that my brain couldn’t register sensations or anxiety. But by the time I reached the tree that had called my name and hooked me by the soul, I had that boulder freely suspended over me and felt nothing but an intense silence, a radiance that extended in about a half mile radius around me. The focus of my attention was so completely outside my body that I could not just hear but feel the joy of the children playing on the playground across the pond, the birds flying over head, and the radiant life of the earth awakening on a spring day. And that was it. Pure bliss, pure silence. I made it home, utterly mind blown at the bliss that could be found when my focus was so intense in every nanosecond- I never heard that part of this song before! The intricacies, the details, when I forcefully brought ALL of my attention into this moment, on how my heart, soul, and brain felt to be filled with such beauty as I had surely never experienced before in my life. What is this? This superpower?

I remember that evening, just contemplating how I had more that doubled my mileage in one day and yet had a more blissful experience whilst doing so than any walk prior to that. This was the defining moment when I learned, through experience, what I had been told on the DNRS DVDs – limits only exist in the mind. Even when it comes to the body, limits only exist in the mind. And we can choose to override them, to let them go. 

Beyond whatever limit you may be facing right, is you. When you reach beyond, under, behind, around, you find there is always something there to catch you, and it’s you. Your own spirit, your own desire to move beyond, is literally the only thing, the one key, that makes doing so possible. To create a wholly different experience of life, and thus – a whole different life. The essence of who YOU are is joy, love, peace, bliss. When you lean upon that, and your desire to move forward, to reach your worthy goal, you can fly.

This experience of intense focus and bliss during my walks soon became my norm. Every leaf, flower, and ray of light in my neighborhood became sacred and precious to me. I could feel the energy of the trees, their beauty, ancientness, the way they pointed to God, not just enduring all weather, but showing a unique radiance in every season, whether winter, showing their strong skeletons of trunk, occasionally dusted in white, the heavenly glory of spring, or the calm soothing abundant green of summer.

I felt at times like I actually lived in Narnia; it no longer seemed fictional. On one particular day awareness dawned that this, this world of magic, glory, and bliss – this is real, this is the only thing that can last for all eternity. Evil and negativity, by their very definition, imply a lack of real ness, a lack of existence (think of the mathematical definition of a negative). But this? This absolute fairy land I am floating through right now? This is always here, just waiting for me to grow the eyes to see it. It was always be here, totally reliable. My fundamental worldview shifted. The world is soft, welcoming, abundant, rejoicing and delighting in its Creator and inviting us to do the same.

I also learned on the deepest level, what it means to let go. I found that I left behind thinking, everything familiar, everything ego related – fear, victimhood, anger, grudges, pride – but ultimately, I gained complete freedom, utter peace, the REAL ME, endless joy and love. A sense of always being satisfied and at peace, free to create, to love, to wonder and marvel to my heart’s content – literally. I looked around wondering why people kept getting upset about everything they couldn’t control, fretting over that which was not in their power. At the same time I recognized that what I had found was possible for any human being, and every person I saw was powerful, capable, limitless, endlessly beautiful, totally lovable. I stopped being afraid of people, because I could now see them through the eyes of love, they could no longer hurt me – I had taken my power back and in doing so handed the power of each person I encountered back to them.

After experiences like this, whenever someone prefaces a statement with “You’re not going to believe this”, I just think, “Try me.” 

After my brain flatlined production of DOSE neurotransmitters, one of the effects that it had (which is such a testimony to the mind-spirit-body connection), as I could no longer hold the goodness of life within my spirit, mind, and heart during this time, is that my body could no longer hold the nourishment I was giving it. I began losing weight. It was fall 2017.

I wasn’t overweight by any means when this started, but I also wasn’t rail thin. At first it was sort of inconsequential as I was so concerned with trying to regain brain function. But as time went on, the meat of who I was just continued to shrink, both mentally and physically. I was hungry and ate a lot, often, yet my body just couldn’t process and hold onto what I was giving it. I also lost some of the foods I had regained during the beginning of my recovery.

By January 2018, this is what I looked like. I was a solid 30 lbs below my average weight over the past 6 years. Strange things began to happen in this psyche that had been trained to see thin as better – no matter what. I began to look around and see women who had the curves I used to have and to wish, that by some miracle, I could have mine back. I looked back on my past body with an entirely new appreciation for the ability to gain and hold weight, to have *gasp* thick thighs, and HIPS. To eat food and have solid evidence. To have normal hormonal function. So many things that are the object of complaint and disdain in modern culture; we truly don’t know what we have until we’ve lost it.

Slowly, very slowly, as DOSE came back online and my brain could hold more joy, more life, and I began to find hope once again, to find pockets of peace and ease and rest once again, my body also regained its ability to hold onto what I fed it. I re-retrained with old foods and added my favorite food of all – peanuts. 

Comical side story here – whenever the brain is neuroplastic we have the ability to have heightened emotional experiences, and it makes it easier to change associated pathways when we trigger the maladaptive pathways before redirecting them. When I first started training with peanuts, with a mere 5 peanuts as my trigger before practice, several days in a row, it was clearly WAY to much for my system. But the practice rounds I had after those peanuts were so euphoric! It was amazing and hilarious to me all at the same time that eating 5 peanuts could cause me to have such mind blowing visualizations. I waited about a month, and in the miraculous and mysterious fashion of neuroplasticity and limbic impairment recovery, I went from 5 peanuts to spoonfuls of peanut butter within weeks with flying colors. My body squealed with delight at all of this amazing fat and calories it was receiving and I rejoiced to have regained my absolute favorite food after 5 years of pretending that almond butter could somehow compare. 

Slowly, the weight came back. I ate SO MUCH during this time, my body was just begging to be satisfied 100% of the time now that satisfaction was a viable option. Never in my life have I so deeply enjoyed the feeling of being full. Gone was the guilt and shame I had for so long associated with this feeling. Pleasure from food became my dear, dear friend for the first time ever. I attribute some of this as well to the fascinating power of mirror neurons- the phenomenon that as we watch or listen to someone having an experience, the same neurons fire in our brain and we have a similar experience, quite without realizing it sometimes, and even if the experience is one we have never had ourselves. One of my practice buddies during this time had a deeply pleasurable and healthy relationship with the enjoyment of eating, and I unwittingly gained this ability to appreciate food in a whole new way, just from practicing with her as she relived memories of relishing simple experiences of eating. Mirror neurons are, in all seriousness, one of the most veiled and dynamic forces behind human history.

As my weight crept back I celebrated every bit of it – look, I have LEGS again! I can grab the fat on my stomach- there’s something THERE!!!  Every ounce was a testimony to the hard work of rebuilding the temple of my soul and heart, physical evidence of intense focus, diligence, and perseverance (sound familiar? The same could be said for utilizing a weight LOSS program). I was damn proud of it too. 

My defining moment of shift came when I went clothes shopping for some clothing that reflected the shift of a fuller, spunkier, sassier interior life. I pulled on a form fitting, off the shoulder, barely mid thigh length red dress and stood back to evaluate. I watched as the old Christina’s opinion of my (now size 8, not 2 and half) figure floated away, never to be seen again. When I looked in that dressing room mirror (which before DNRS would at times cause intense distress, tears and self loathing that lasted for days), I saw confidence. Power. Sexiness. Poise. Evidenced in the very fat that had once been my mortal enemy. The new, effortless self talk was now “I worked HARD for BOTH of those thighs, that hint of a muffin top, and that rounded backside.” Those are my GOODS, baby! I realized too that a perfectly figured, size 2, well endowed woman who still had our world’s view of the female body branded into her heart could easily look in that same mirror, objectively looking far better than I in that dress, and only see flaws. I am free, I thought. Now I care more for the actual, functional wellbeing of my body, and the interior attitudes of confidence, poise, and sense of my own feminine power, than for the exact size of my pants, number on the scale, or my sex appeal or the opinion of my friends. I am beginning to see myself through God’s eyes.

This is still a journey, as it will be for my whole life. As I’ve learned from my dear friends at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, this relationship with food and body is our longest one, one we have for the duration of our existence here on earth. But now I have the tools to approach it from a place of true love and care for my health and well-being on all levels, a love that begets discipline and good decisions – whether that look like getting enough sleep, working on my alignment, doing my DNRS practice, walking 25-30 miles per week, indulging in a green smoothie or indulging a large slice of gluten and sugar filled birthday cake. If it’s a decision made from love, it’s a good decision.

Each day we are becoming a creature of splendid glory or one of unthinkable horror.  C.S. Lewis

What is freedom? A much contested question over human history, indeed. This is what I believe.

We humans have incredible, unfathomable freedom and power. We get to choose what thoughts, emotions, and actions we pay attention to or choose to create, and this fact creates the masterpiece of our lives. Each choice is a brushstroke. We get to choose the perspective we take of our own lives, of each situation and human being we encounter. We can choose to see ourselves as victims – or victors, and others as nuisances or “out to get us” – or as humans holding brokenness, needing love in their cracks and trying to cope with life in the only way they know how. Or perhaps they are standing up for what they believe, maybe their actions have nothing to do with us at all.

True freedom is being able with ease, to choose exactly what you want to do, think, and feel each moment of the day. How you respond to each situation you are in, each person you speak to, each thought or belief you encounter within yourself, each sensation you experience in your body. To be the only one having power over yourself. To take the power back from all that it might have been given over to – laziness, “I feel like”, “I have to”, sex drive, hunger and cravings, physical or emotional pain, labels and diagnoses, need for approval, irritability, anger, or any idea that suggests you are not the one completely in charge of yourself and your experience of life. THAT is freedom, lived. Easy? Heck no. Worth it? HELL YEAH!

Think about someone you admire and look up to. This is basically the definition of a hero! We are ALL born to be heros! We can channel the energy that is so often taken from us in anxiety about the state of the world or our lives and use it to become someone who can actually DO something to make the world, to make this life, a better place, here in our corner, rippling out in mysterious ways and pouring healing into the crevices, reaching further than we can envision. Imagine going to sleep at night knowing that in the thousands of choices you had today, you took the higher road. There is peace within you, knowing you have all you could today to plant love, truth, and excellence into your world and yourself. There is nothing that compares with that. Nothing.

Confidence comes when you have done this long enough that you have built who you are. When you have built yourself on Truth, on your own God given freedom and power, you are absolutely certain of everything you say and do because you chose it with all you are. Everything that comes from you, out of you, is an expression of who you are. You have nothing to prove, protect, defend, or hide. You can dance down the street (or through the grocery store), make friends with anyone you want, and tackle any project you want, knowing you will find a way to accomplish it. 

This is seen to the highest degree in Jesus. As it says in the Gospel, He spoke with an authority that threw people for a loop. They were shocked, shaken, woken by it. After a few months of rewiring my brain, understood this authority. I commanded with complete authority my entire being in every nanosecond of the day. I had complete mastery over myself and when I spoke, I did so with authority. The way Jesus behaves in the Gospels began to make a whole lot of sense.

I learned something else through this particular experience. I read recently that God is always happy because His happiness comes from who He is, and ours from things and circumstances. I disagree. We are made in His image, and the only true and lasting happiness I have ever found came from being my truest, Highest, best self. When I am me, truly me, I am happy for absolutely no reason at all. No one can take you away from you, and that happiness can be yours no matter what is happening in your life.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Rather, the law of the Lord is his joy;

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree 

planted near streams of water,

It’s leaves never wither, whatever he does prospers.  – Psalm 1:2-3

Anything is possible with God. Anything.

What do you look for when you need a boost? Coffee? Exercise? Sugar? Alone time? Time with friends? Prayer?

For my almost entire life pre-DNRS I always needed something – more coffee, more exercise, more control, more people to like me… you know, the common list. Then I reached a beautiful point where I couldn’t have most of those things anymore. I lost that illusion of control. A mysterious illness had taken over my body and mind and my life did not seem like it was mine anymore. My hour long daily walks that had been my one source of sanity were gone, by ability to be productive and feel good about that was gone, expecting anyone to like me seemed ridiculous. 

Then I began DNRS – explicit permission, nay, encouragement- a COMMAND, even, to pursue feelings of joy, love, gratitude to infinity and beyond. So I did. And I found that while  my circumstances had not changed (except in the ways I was actively changing them through my DNRS practice) I felt completely satisfied. In the past, I would get in a tiffy if I didn’t get my full 3 mile walk. Now here I was walking a mile or two a day and feeling completely satisfied with every moment of the day. 

It was the joy, I realized, that I had been craving all along! I just needed love! My whole life had been a big long search for love. In biological terms, love is spelled D-O-S-E – dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. I had always found love in movement, nature, and music, and in my connection to the Divine, yet the weeds of untrue beliefs choked out the love for long stretches of life. I sought the stuff, not the Kingdom. But now, with permission granted to ditch all that and take up joy as my everything, I found myself more productive, more calm, more loving, more capable and at peace than ever before. Scripture started making sense, songs and hymns started making sense (I need you Lord, every hour I need you – yes! I get it now! This joy I receive as the most marvelous gift in every moment is like the breathe in my lungs), the whole world started looking the sparkling, glorious, magnificent creation God made it to be. All of my previous crutches become bonuses, extras. Seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will be granted to you as well.

Other things changed. I stopped picking the skin off my fingers, stopped needing caffeine to be okay, my body image issues and relationship with food are about 90% healed, I started seeing men as humans (with their own unique contributions to the human race! Humans who need love just like me!) instead of monsters, I stopped making decisions from fear and doubt and started making them from love and wisdom, I stopped being afraid that all my “issues” were messing up my kids- now I can help them, and now I trust God to heal that which I cannot reach within them.

I read somewhere recently that a recovered alcoholic MUST be a deeply spiritual person else they fall back to their old ways. I agree. In recovering from this brain impairment I must cling to Joy, seek out God and his light in every moment to stay riding these new highways of joy and abundance that I’ve built into my psyche. I trust that one day it will become second nature, but there is no way to know when that will happen, and regardless, in life we always have choices. I choose joy.

There is too, one other absolutely beautiful side effect of seeing the fruit of joy in my life. I stopped being afraid of people who don’t share my faith. Now whenever I encounter someone who shows evidence of God’s life within them, of joy, self control, peace, generosity, love, wisdom, and gratitude, I draw closer to see – what do you know? What can I learn from you about God, about life? Can we be friends? Whether or not we share religious beliefs, if we share the essence of God’s life there is hope for a mutually beneficial friendship where we can learn, live, laugh, and love, and respect the differences, being curious without fear, knowing that we are each faithful to both our religious beliefs and the principles that flow from them – faithfulness and unconditional love. We can learn to be like a God who loves all His children equally and invites us all to truth and joy with open arms. 

Everything men seek can be found in just one rose or a drink of water. – The Little Prince

It was January 2017. I was standing next to my bed talking with my husband, crying after I had found this image of the woman with the hemorrhage receiving healing. I’d asked for healing, hadn’t I? Lots of times. But, asked my husband, were you really open to it? Did you believe He would heal you?

No. I hadn’t. I had bought into the lie that He want me to suffer, that my happiness was only for the afterlife.

But when I looked around at the havoc this mysterious illness was wrecking on my family it seemed clear that this was not of God. So I took a deep breath and opened my heart,  the one that had been shut with pain and bitterness, and asked very simply “Jesus, will you heal me?” As I’ve learned since then, it’s these simple, heartfelt prayers that He answers most quickly.

About a month later I came across the Dynamic Neural Retraining System. It was only $300 for the at home DVD set, no follow ups, just do the program. It seemed to good to be true financially- that was pennies in the pail compared to what we’d already spent on supplements, special food, and various practitioners. So we took the leap.

As I watched the DVDs a spark began to grow inside of me – this makes so much sense! It’s JUST MY BRAIN. Whoooooa! It’s not me and I can fix it! It’s hard work, they say, it requires lots of dedication and focus, lots of repetition. Well, I’ve BEEN doing that – you think it’s easy to eat for 3 on a fat free diet consisting of 20 foods? To tell my kids everyday, that no, we can’t go to the park? To try to figure out how to adequately care for the house and kids when I couldn’t do any of the work? If all that effort and willpower actually goes somewhere it will be more than worth it!

The defining moment during my learning of the program was when Annie (the creator and presenter of the program) got quiet for a moment, looked around at everyone, and said, “There is divine intelligence inside each one of you that knows perfect health.” My human spirit, somewhere in the depths of me whispered, that is true. And so, the journey began. Within a few weeks of doing the work it became obvious that yes, perfect health DID already exist inside of me! All it took was about 40 minutes of complete euphoria and I was me again, able to do everything I’d always been able to do.

Within a week, I was driving again. Within a month, I went from hardly being walk around my house to walking several miles a day in addition to doing a great job of caring for my house and kids (and being damn happy about it too – I can sweep the floor! I can do the laundry! I can make dinner! All in the same day! Booyah!). I vowed never to take these abilities for granted again.

And every. single. time I practice (which is 3- 4 times per day), and as I practice the other pillars of DNRS, I’ve realized that healing only comes from that place of absolute faith and expectation. That deep knowing that, YES! Jesus desires my full healing, YES! I deeply desire my full healing and freedom in Him, and the tiny whisper yes, yes Jesus, here is my heart, here is…all of me. Take me, heal me, set me free. I only want You.

I am building on rock this time. Everything. My relationship with myself, God, my husband, my body, food, movement, sleep, my parents and friends.

What is rock? The heart. As soft as it is, it is the only truth that exists, I firmly believe this. Not once in my life has my heart EVER led me anywhere but to truth – Truth.  

You will know them by their fruits, Jesus says. 

In listening attentively to the soft whisper in my heart, I find peace, joy, and delight in the tiniest of things – light on the walls, bubbles on the dishes, dust, everywhere, beautiful music, smiling faces, juicy colors, nature. An abundance enough for any human to never be bored of for all eternity, because when we live from the heart we become like our Father – delighted by everything, so ancient and so new, always saying “Again, AGAIN!” 

From this place, we only want the same for everyone around us, patience is a no brainer (how could I EVER be bored or frustrated when I’m surrounded by all this delicious beauty?!), we are naturally kind, work is very appealing, never in a million years would we want to gossip or fight or do anything that would detract from this glorious connection. This is life on the rock.

The other thing? I learned this when my body was very sick. But the beauty was so strong and compelling, my heart and desire to live so strong, that I forgot my body very purposefully. I broke up with it. All the sensations that had ruled my life on the sand, I couldn’t feel them when I was absorbed in that bliss of the heart. And guess what? It stopped happening. I no longer experience any of those sensations. I am healed, in the flesh.

This time around, it’s not sensations but thoughts that at times attempt to intrude upon my peace and send me spiraling into an abyss of dark. The solution? You guessed it! The heart! Unfailing, no matter what my poor impaired brain may try to do, the heart is a soft cushion for me to land. A true home; a true North Star. 

And all those beliefs I used to have about myself and the world, how bad everything was, how incapable I was? Phooey, my heart said. So now I get to listen, and learn – what is truth?

 Read Scripture, listen for wisdom (known by its fruit) –listen to me –says my heart. I will build on rock, on experiences of beauty and joy, peace and love, and on the truths that many before me have lived. Day by day, I pull the energy of His truth – joy, love, gratitude, calm, peace – through my body and let it become the fabric of my being, quite literally.

I’ve learned that all the world is truly just an enormous invitation to joy, to play, to marvel and create, just like our Creator, to spread that joy that is so woven into our being that  we can find it no matter what turned off our light, or how long it’s been since we’ve seen it. 

And me? I am limitless, creative, beautiful, enough, cherished and loved beyond my wildest imagination. I can do anything. I have healed myself, let in this healing light and rebuilt my life, one moment, one choice at a time, on the rock of God’s truth that he planted in my heart when He knit me in my mother’s womb. And not just once, but twice am I doing this, by learning to love myself the way He does – unrelenting in pursuit of my perfection in His glorious image, put here to do sacred work. Not resting until it is complete. 

What about all that evil in the world, so many people ask? I used to be the foremost, struggling to reconcile evil and suffering with my knowledge of an all loving and all powerful God. 

Believe it or not, it is the unintended outcome of – love. No one, not even God, can make us love them. God had to give us the choice not to love Him, to love things other than Him, in order for us to have true freedom in choosing Him. Unfortunately, and many times through no fault of our own, many of us have bought into lies that we can find happiness outside of Him, outside of truth and have chosen evil thinking it would somehow satisfy the ache, the itch, the yearning that drives us all.

But in every dark place there is chance for the Resurrection to happen all over again in THAT heart, in THAT life, in THAT relationship or family. In THAT BODY – yes! I didn’t believe it before DNRS but God even wants my BODY to be filled with the glory of His resurrection, with joy, wellness, energy – LIFE!! Then filled with His life, our souls and bodies overflowing with His abundance, we are able to share Him effortlessly, scattering joy, peace, and love by our very presence, able to heal others with the healing love He has poured into us. We get to be the lamps, shining and undeniable proof of His goodness in a world that so desperately needs that proof.

I am dedicating this post to St. John Paul II, who was that proof for me during my darkest days. We had a photograph of him in our house, and when I looked into his eyes time disappeared and I saw a man who knew a Light that could turn the heaviness of suffering into the weight of glory. And then I found the Light.